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College plan failed

College does not like to work out as planned for me (lol). So, I am sort of kind of allergic to Cosmetology school. I had horrible head aches the days a went (like excedrin was hardly touching my pain). I am not sure if it was from the bright lights hurting my eyes (they don't take in the light right), or the chemicals. My hands starting to break out was from the Chemicals.

At any rate, I decided it was not worth it.

I dropped this morning. I am not going to college at all this semester and will be looking into finding a college cheeper than CSU for now (though I would still love to go to CSU one day!)

College in 2010

So, I am going back to college in January. Still just the community college I graduated from in May. I am going back for cosmetology. It should take me about a year and a half to get done. That way, I can make more money cutting hair to go on and pay for the rest of college.

Oh, these late nights...

Do you ever wish, you could go back in time and talk to yourself? Tell yourself, "It's okay, this won't last" or "I am proud of how you handled that, you were courageous"? Then there is always the other kind of statements you could tell yourself: "You will regret doing that, trust me" or "You know that guys is a jerk, why do you care what he thinks about you?"

I was just thinking about that.

Doesn't it suck that only hindsight is 20/20?

There are things I look back on and tell myself, "You know what, I know that person made you feel like trash, but you did nothing wrong, and this whole mess is really their fault."

Then other times I look back, and decide I don't want to think about that or say anything to myself about it; because I know full well that mess is all mine and I have no one else to blame.

A lot of times we kind find things or causes for our sin, but no matter who hurt you, your hurting someone else is not justified. (I am not talking about when you hurt someone, had no idea you did, and never meant to)

When I look back (I sound so old :P ), I often look at friendships: the ones that have lasted, the ones that quietly ended, and the ones that ripped my heart out when they abruptly stopped (or when i finally realized they had ended). Maybe I am guilty of overanalyzing things, but I sometimes just let my mind wonder over what all I did right or wrong with any of those. Honestly, when a friendship ends, my first fears/thoughts go something like this: "What did I do to mess this up?" or "Why was I not good enough for them?" and "If I had known that would upset her/him I never would have done that" and on and on my mind goes.

I am learning something, slowly. It's not all about me.

Some of you are now rejoicing far too soon over that last statement, let me explain:

Yes, there are times where I have screwed up friendships, but often, when someone finds something wrong with you, it is really their problem and not yours. No, I am not excusing any sin I have in my life right now. I am saying, sometimes people don't like you because they have a problem (I am not saying this to be stuck up about myself, but as a general statement). As in, the reason that person was just mean to you, might have a whole lot more to do with them, than you.

Mind you, I am learning this slowly. I tend to freak out when people are mad at me and tear myself down. As independent as I like to think I am, I fear upsetting others, way too much (at the HA, we called that fear of man, or FOM, vs. fear of God). I lose sleep when I think people are mad at me. Seriously. I am losing sleep now over someone I know is mad at me! (and I feel retarded for it)

I don't like drama with friends or losing friends. It sucks. Yet, I look back on middle schooler me, and I tell her, "I know it hurt, losing that friend, but in the long run, my dear, you are better with friends that care enough about you to stick with you. Stop stressing about the one that wants nothing to do with you, and make sure to be a better friend than she was to you, to the friends you still have. Don't let her think you are not worth being friends with. Try to trust me, when I tell you, 'That's a lie' ".

(Where is the 30-year-old me to tell me that now? To tell me "I know it hurts, I know you want to stay friends with them, but it will get better".)

With that said, we all screw up, and sometimes the friends you lose come back later. I am the only one that decides I am too bitter to ever take them back. Though, some never should be given the place in my heart they once had, I might find a new place for them, if they prove they can have it. I have lost friends and gotten them back later, things were never like the first time we were friends, but we were friends again.

Though I find forgiveness hard at times, I am also finding, it is not impossible.

The third trip of my life to the ER. Thank you swine flu.

So, the whole time I have had swine flu I have had trouble breathing, or I would get into coughing fits and not be able to catch my breath. Keester would breathe with me (when he was there) and try to give me a rhythm to follow when it got really bad.

Last night, he was doing this, and it was not helping. In fact, I was doing pretty bad, and he kept wanting to take me to the ER and I was insisting on not going (he told me I was too stubborn for my own good).

At one point he was so freaked out he told me, "I am watching you slip away from me, right before my eyes, and you won't let me doing anything about it..." From that, I think you can understand my poor boyfriend was pretty freaked out.

He latter told me I was going to the ER and he would carry me if he had to. Finally, I gave in and let him take me to the ER. As it turns out, he did have to carry me because I could not breathe well enough to walk.

They took ex-rays of my lungs, listened to them, gave me more drugs, told me I am still contagious, told me some people fight swine flu for a month (it's been too weeks so far for me), and made me wear a mask. I feel like I should have a sign around my neck that says unclean or something... lol.

At one point, I was seeing stars and with every beat of my heart my vision went black. that was kind of scary... and I was alone in a hospital room at that point while Keester was checking me in and a nurse was off doing something! yeah, scary.

Anyway, the drugs work great and hopefully I will not have this lovely flu for a month.

If you think of it, maybe send my boyfriend some flowers or something, he has had a ruff couple of weeks ;)

Random thoughts of one driven mad by swine flu

So, like I said in one of my last posts, this whole being in bed for two weeks things has given me a lot of time to think. Sometimes too much time to think...

Oh, so I have this video I have been wanting to put up of my oldest and youngest sisters. It is pretty funny. Jennifer is pretty much a dork in it. He whole life really she has been a dork when a camera is involved (she says so herself!) and it is pretty entertaining. I will have to go to my boyfriend's house because he has better internet speed and it would take like 50 hours to upload it from here (no joke). I might see if I can't do that today though (if his roomies don't kick me and my plague out of their house that is...)

Swine flu sucks!!!

I have never had any sickness that was so bad for my lungs before! Seriously.

But, okay, so I was reading in Mere Christianity for book club this week, and the chapter we are going over for this week are: Sexual morality, Christian marriage, Forgiveness, and The great sin. All of which were really good, but I am just going to talk about the last two :D

Forgiveness

So, this chapter was either one of the best I have every read on forgiveness, or it came at just the right time. Long story short and without details (because I don't want to hurt anyone else involved). A friend hurt me recently and forgiving them has been interesting. Partly because I feel robbed of their friendship and wish we could still be friends, yet I am hurting and mad. So, I have all these mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Anyway, in the chapter C.S. Lewis talks about, and better defines, loving your neighbor as yourself. I have always had a hard time understanding this. Like what does that practically mean? Well, he talked about what loving yourself looks like and how that can look when you do it for someone else.

some of the very wise things he said that I can remember without going back and reading it are:

you are not always happy with yourself; therefore, you do not always have to be happy with others. You wish yourself well, even after you have done something stupid and wrong; you can wish those that have hurt you well (forgiveness) even if you know they are stupid and wrong. You can be saddened by your own actions and even be grieved by them; you can be hurt and saddened by others actions and wish them to do better.

Bitterness and hatred just want the other person to suffer and pay.

Forgiveness and love, does not deny that wrong has happened, but it wishes the person to do better--be better. Love is sad when it loses a friend, or that friend does something horrible, but does not wish the friend harm in return for the harm they dealt it.

Anyway, I don't say it near as well as C.S. Lewis, but it was really good to read in light of what I am going through. I sometimes fear that because I am still hurting, or even upset about how someone has hurt me, that I have no forgiven them. However, if I am wishing them well and hoping for things to get better, maybe I am not bitter and I am forgiving them, the wound they gave me just still hurts.

The great sin (as he calls it):Pride

So, I don't like to think of myself as prideful. I would much rather think of myself as insecure (which I can be). When really, they are both a part of the same disease, self centeredness. Anyway, I have been noticing I can be pretty prideful. I hate to admit it (especially since that puts me in the category of those stupid prideful people that i just want to punch in the face every time they open their proud mouth!!), but I am.

One thing he said, was that you will hate the pride in others more, the more you have. I think that might explain why I don't get along with a few people I know that I like to call arrogant jerks...

<_<

>_>

Yeah, I don't have much more to say about this... Other than, I guess that is something I need to be working on.

Other randomness

I finally ate a meal outside of my house last night. It was pretty exciting. Martha, Joanie, and I went to Perkins. I had to try really hard not to cough so people would not freak out that I was there, but we did not get kicked out, so I think I did fine. :D

Thats all the sicky has for now. If you made it all the way through this blog post, I commend you.

(what I am really doing with swine flu...)

watching videos on youtube.

like these:

Ophelia

I have decided I love her videos

:D