So, yesterday I had a bad day -- like on the verge of tears most of the day -- and I wrote this big long blog post, that I took off this morning (however the title may have struck an interest to some, “Boys...” which really it had little to do with. Only the first paragraph said anything about guys and that paragraph had nothing to do with why I was having a bad day).
I think a lot of what I needed was sleep (last night I got that); but I was not just having a hard time because of a lack of sleep. The lack of sleep just made everything seem ten times worse than it was, or me less ready to fight it and go on with life maybe (but I don’t want to just try to brush off the fact that there are things going on in my heart and mind that can suck a lot at times. However, maybe that is normal).
Anyway, there are several bigger things on my mind really but only one (maybe two) do I really feel like writing about online is wise.
My relationship with God:
I seem to be in a “dry season”... or what ever you want to call it. I think i might call it feeling alone or abandoned -- yet not completely.
It’s like when I read my Bible, expecting (or maybe not) to get something out of it, I normally get nothing right now. In some ways, it is like I did not read it at all. I mean, normally I am in a better mood having read my Bible for a while and I can tell when I have not had a quiet time that day, but I’m not learning a lot from the Bible right now (other than maybe that i don’t know it as well as I thought). It could be I am not paying enough attention, but even when I try hard to pay attention as I read, it is not a lot better.
Maybe I am too dependent on feeling close to God, instead of just believing He is there.
A parent has to take their fingers out of their child's hands at some point for them to ever learn how to really walk or run. That first moment, where their fingers are gone, could feel really scary and lonely. Then, on their own (with their parents right behind them where they can’t see without turning and falling down) they have to try out what they have been learning, or plop themselves on the ground and start crying. I seem to be the later.
Perhaps, what seems like silence from God, is Him waiting to see if I can trust Him and remember on my own, what He has already taught me. Remember: that His grace is sufficient, no one can take His sheep out of His hand, He loved me enough to die for me... Before I ever even thought to look His way.
Prayer
My prayer life is greatly lacking right now. I am sure that is not helping anything.
What the heck do I want to do with my life?:
What a fun question.
[side note: what I just did there, was something I was totally taught in english class never to do. Act like the header is part of the sentience instead of restating the header.... It felt great to do]
anyway, *cough* cough* moving on...
There is a difference between what I want to do, and what I feel like I should do in some ways. Some of the things I would love to do, would seem foolish to some; and thus, I am afraid to do them.
Like how I have been thinking about taking a year off from college after I get my AA. Save up and travel (some have complained that the two don’t go together). Whether or not I take a year off, I am most likely going to Belgium again for a month right after I get my AA (so during next summer). That will have some deciding factor in my life.
See, the first few days I was there, this thought hit me as we were driving around (not the first day, because I was too jet lagged to have anything going through my head). I thought “I could live here.” Then I wondered, is that just me thinking it would be cool, or what. Then the missionaries were trying to recruit me (along with others) and I wondered, “is this God, or them just needing help” because they do need help.
I don’t think I would live there forever if I go, but a year or so sounds great. Maybe right after college or something.
College... gr.
Do I major in something alone that I may never get far in, creative writing; or pull two majors and have a chance at using what I go to college for, creative writing and psychology. Both does sound inviting, but way longer in college than I know if I could handle.
I love writing (even though I seem to be having trouble with it right now), but I think being a counselor (I have kind of toyed around with the idea of school counselor) would be cool too.
Maybe doing both is perfectly doable.
As for the other things on my mind, that most likely did most of making my day bad yesterday, I guess I just get to wait them out a while longer.
God's Delight
1 month ago