My little god in a box

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9

I don’t understand how God really works. It scares me.

Things I don’t understand frustrate me. Like yesterday, I was trying to work on practicing guitar (because I have been trying to learn to play the guitar for years on end) and I got frustrated and wanted to quit again. I decided to play a little longer, and I do want to learn, but I keep running in to things I just don’t get. Then I put the guitar down again for months on end, until I decided that I have to learn again. (like maybe to impress some guy... yeah, maybe that has been the reason I have picked it back up again over the years [I am ashamed to say how many years I have been trying to learn... so I won’t])

Anyway, I think I can be like this a lot with God, in like a million different ways. I run into something I don’t get or just have these totally warped unbiblical ideas about God that I have come to believe. Them I pull away. Yeah, maybe I still go to church, and read my Bible, but my heart is not in it. It is motions, check marks on my little panic list of “things to do to be the perfect girl”.

How much do I cripple myself?

Here lately I have notice some very wrong ideas about God that have crept their way in to how I view Him. I think of God as manipulative. When I ask Him for help, I doubt He will give it. After all, I have to learn my lesson good and well through this pain, and if I don’t learn it the first time, there will be no end to it! Like I expect God to watch me suffer until I do what He wants me to -- like get over some guy I can’t seem to, be nicer to some other annoying one, show love to that girl I think hates me. And until I do these things, He is going to punish me. One way or another, He will get me to do what He wants.

I am not sure where I get that from free will and how God let’s us choice to hate Him or not believe in Him if we want. He does not force us to love Him. He did not require that all man kind love Him before He would die for them:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
That just screams manipulation to me. No. It shouldn’t! It doesn’t. And yet here I am stuck in this rut of lies. Thinking God will never give me what I want or need until I have suffered enough or become some super Christian that isn’t real anyway. I have caught myself thinking, “oh no, don’t pray about that... what good would that do you anyway?” Like when I am hurting and wanting God’s help or just longing to be heard, I think He won’t do it.

I don’t view God as loving or full of grace.

Yet one read through the gospels and I can see He clearly is.
I just stupidly fear I am the exception. When this is not true.

my poor dying blog

So, last month was the first month I have ever not blogged from the beginning of my time as a blogger...

I am using my unknown plague as an excuse. Though if you have seen my facebook... you know this is not that great of an excuse. It just has lots some importance to me to keep up with my blog and its three of four readers that still remain, maybe, more faithful than i am anymore to my blog.

The other days i was thinking about posting something... it might be put up yet. Nothing too big, just some thoughts.

I guess the main thing that has been going on is I have been sick for two months now today... that's not been so fun. The doctors still don't know what the heck is wrong with me. oh well...