Oh, these late nights...

Do you ever wish, you could go back in time and talk to yourself? Tell yourself, "It's okay, this won't last" or "I am proud of how you handled that, you were courageous"? Then there is always the other kind of statements you could tell yourself: "You will regret doing that, trust me" or "You know that guys is a jerk, why do you care what he thinks about you?"

I was just thinking about that.

Doesn't it suck that only hindsight is 20/20?

There are things I look back on and tell myself, "You know what, I know that person made you feel like trash, but you did nothing wrong, and this whole mess is really their fault."

Then other times I look back, and decide I don't want to think about that or say anything to myself about it; because I know full well that mess is all mine and I have no one else to blame.

A lot of times we kind find things or causes for our sin, but no matter who hurt you, your hurting someone else is not justified. (I am not talking about when you hurt someone, had no idea you did, and never meant to)

When I look back (I sound so old :P ), I often look at friendships: the ones that have lasted, the ones that quietly ended, and the ones that ripped my heart out when they abruptly stopped (or when i finally realized they had ended). Maybe I am guilty of overanalyzing things, but I sometimes just let my mind wonder over what all I did right or wrong with any of those. Honestly, when a friendship ends, my first fears/thoughts go something like this: "What did I do to mess this up?" or "Why was I not good enough for them?" and "If I had known that would upset her/him I never would have done that" and on and on my mind goes.

I am learning something, slowly. It's not all about me.

Some of you are now rejoicing far too soon over that last statement, let me explain:

Yes, there are times where I have screwed up friendships, but often, when someone finds something wrong with you, it is really their problem and not yours. No, I am not excusing any sin I have in my life right now. I am saying, sometimes people don't like you because they have a problem (I am not saying this to be stuck up about myself, but as a general statement). As in, the reason that person was just mean to you, might have a whole lot more to do with them, than you.

Mind you, I am learning this slowly. I tend to freak out when people are mad at me and tear myself down. As independent as I like to think I am, I fear upsetting others, way too much (at the HA, we called that fear of man, or FOM, vs. fear of God). I lose sleep when I think people are mad at me. Seriously. I am losing sleep now over someone I know is mad at me! (and I feel retarded for it)

I don't like drama with friends or losing friends. It sucks. Yet, I look back on middle schooler me, and I tell her, "I know it hurt, losing that friend, but in the long run, my dear, you are better with friends that care enough about you to stick with you. Stop stressing about the one that wants nothing to do with you, and make sure to be a better friend than she was to you, to the friends you still have. Don't let her think you are not worth being friends with. Try to trust me, when I tell you, 'That's a lie' ".

(Where is the 30-year-old me to tell me that now? To tell me "I know it hurts, I know you want to stay friends with them, but it will get better".)

With that said, we all screw up, and sometimes the friends you lose come back later. I am the only one that decides I am too bitter to ever take them back. Though, some never should be given the place in my heart they once had, I might find a new place for them, if they prove they can have it. I have lost friends and gotten them back later, things were never like the first time we were friends, but we were friends again.

Though I find forgiveness hard at times, I am also finding, it is not impossible.