Learning to wait...

What 2012 holds for APRILL Designs

2012-01-16T15:46:00.005-06:00

This crazy thing happened in the fall, we moved. We moved over 17 hours away from the two stores I had my jewelry selling at. A 17 hour drive is not ideal for consignment work. So, my jewelry all come with me.

But now what?

We don't live in a small town, full of people that are proud to be a small town, and want to sell things made in their small town. We live in a city.

Solution: Sell it on Etsy!

I just put it up there this weekend, we will see how it goes.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/aprilldesigns

My year at Teen Mania

2011-12-10T15:41:00.001-06:00

When I was 10, I heard about a group that did mission trips with teenagers. My older sister, being 13 and much closer to the age you were able to go on a mission trip back then, told me everything she heard about Teen Mania. She even told me about a year long internship they had which she heard about from a guy in her youth group that had done it. Being how he, Jr. Hadley, was one of the few teenagers I did not find scary and never heard my parents say anything negative about, I was interested!

My older sister, Jennifer, went on four mission trips with Global Expeditions, and then when I turned 14, I went to Peru with them. This trip only encouraged my desire to be an intern at the Honor Academy after high-school.

As soon as I graduated from high-school, I was off to be that intern with Teen Mania. It was exciting, it was horrifying, liberating. What else would moving out be?

My life at the HA (Honor Academy) was never dull! I worked 31 to 40 hours a week in three different ministry placements throughout the year (K-crew the first four months, ATF caller for 6-7 weeks, and Mail room through the end of the year). There were many different classes and session to go to weekly, and along with homework. I had meetings with mentors and different staff members on a regular basis. Then there were the LTEs (Life Transforming Events) that we had every month or so.

I worked hard, was stretched, challenged, grew, learned, and never thought about leaving. In fact, I was rather mad when God made it clear I was not to stay a second year there!

Though by not staying, I met my husband, so God knew best. He knew best when to send me there, and when it was my time to move somewhere else. I praise Him for both!

Important things to be noted:

Phone calls:
I was able to call my parents, my sisters, my grandparents, my friends from back home, aunts and uncles and cousins, as often as I wanted (just not during work or class, as any regular job or school would do). I spoke to them about whatever I wanted to, and my younger sister still went to the HA right after me (she stayed two years, met her husband there, and still likes Teen Mania).

Confessions:
Let me start with what the Bible says:
James 5:16 (NASB)
Therefore, Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
1 John 1:9 (NASB)
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

So, if I am reading those verses right (which they are pretty self explanatory), the Bible tells us to Confess our sins to one another, just like the HA asks of its interns (I never felt forced to). One of the reasons being, sin can’t grow in the light. This is not to tear someone down or make them feel lesser, but to do as 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says:
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another... (NASB)

I always felt heard, loved, and got the help I needed when I confessed something I was struggling with, or something I had done (and not just cookie cutter answers, either).

ESOAL (Emotionally Stretching Opportunity of A Lifetime):
ESOAL IS OPTIONAL. I chose to do it, I lasted 26 hours, and I rang out with no shame (ringing out ends your time at ESOAL). I liked the food I ate (even the cow tongue), my team helped me when I was weak, I did my best to help my team, and most importantly: the leaders were understanding when I was physically unable to do something.

Due to a car wreck I was in when I was 16, I have many permanent issues. No one made me do something when I said I could not. They gave me something else to do, or had my team help me out where I, myself, was too weak to do it.

When I rang out because my back and arm were done, I was shown love, not shame or judgement, for using wisdom and ringing out.

They always have a nurse on site. Also if Dave, Directer of the HA, sees something he does not think is safe happening, he stops it and makes sure it does not happen again.

My year, 2005, it rained a lot and we got pretty cold. So, if the nurse saw you shivering, she came up, asked you how you were, checked you temperature, and made you ring out and go warm up if she felt you were too cold. The nurse had the authority to pull anyone out if she felt they were not doing well enough to continue wisely.

As far as the “I beat my body and make it my slave”, Check out who said that first, Paul did, in the Bible:
1 Corinthians 9:27 (NIV)
No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Being how to think:
I do not agree with Dave or Ron 100% on everything, and I have never felt shame, or restriction, in doing so. As my grandpa says, “If two people always agree, one of them is not necessary”.

Having said that, Teen Mania and the HA have my support.

The leaders are growing and learning and always looking for ways to make the internship and ministry better. They are open to input from both Alumni and current interns (and ask for it monthly through an anonymous campus-wide survey). When I have brought a concern or suggestion to the leadership’s attention, I always felt heard, and even saw some improvements.

My time there was filled with learning, challenges, growth, and encouragement. The lessons I learned there I continue to find helpful as I face life’s many challenges.

I would not give up my year at Teen Mania.

Our first month in our first apartment

2011-11-28T13:07:00.006-06:00

Well, time has flown by! We have already lived here a month! Over a month really. That is a little crazy to me.

Unpacking

We are mostly unpacked. I got sick for a couple weeks with some stomach bug that kept me from doing most things.

Adjusting

I am starting to kind of get used to living in a bigger area. I need to learn my way around more, but I am getting there.

Church Shopping

Church shopping has been awkward, but --possibly-- quickly successful.

Carolyn (pastor's wife at the church in NE that we went to), told us that Awana does not let just any church do Awana, they have to have a certain Biblical standard to do it (like believing the Bible is God breathed and to be taken seriously for one thing!). Also, Awana has a listing of churches that have Awana. So, we went on their site and searched for churches in our area. There were a bunch!

1st church we tried:

You must be warned from the beginning, that this was an epic failure. I had just (supposedly) got over being sick, and was not feeling all that strong to start with. Then we had trouble getting out the door on time, then we were totally lost once we got to the church.

We could not figure out how to get in the building. I am serious! We get there and the big, double doors, are on the front on the building, with no side walk to them; but they were out where every car driving by could see them. The parking lot is out by the back of the large church. We were walking around trying different doors in the back of the church, most of them locked, and getting later by the minute (we were 3 minutes early when we pulled in). I am starting to feeling weaker and losing any desire to go to this church, when we finally find an unlocked door. 'Yay!' we are thinking, but soon find yet another issue.

There are no directions in the big church building as to which way we were to now go to the sanctuary! So, we start walking towards what should lead us to the front of the church. We walk by tons of empty sunday-school rooms, the pastors office, a room full of choir robs, and bathrooms. All the while, the only noise to be heard is our whispers, and my beaded flip flops smacking the floor echoing off the walls!

Then, we finally got to where we heard music and talking. I took off my shoes in the hopes of not being heard as we tried to find a door into the sanctuary. By the time we found it, we were very late, I was worn out, it was super awkward, and we did not want to walk in late and disrupt the service. So, I said we should leave because this was too awkward, and we did.

On the way home, I got to feeling sick again, and spent most of the day back in bed. So, all said and done, it was a good thing we left.

umm... We did not go back to that church.

2nd church:

So, we found another church we both thought looked good. We went to their website (a wee out dated) and saw they had an evening service as well as a morning gathering. I voted for the 6pm and sleeping in. This lead to yet another awkward entrance. They do not have two services with the same sermon just at different times. We walked in on them putting together their Christmas shoe boxes and getting them ready to go.

Once we realized this, we just stood there awkwardly frozen. What were we to do? Leave yet again without going to a service? We almost did. However, this being a small church, we were soon mobbed and happily greeted. We were introduced to many people, invited to small group, and hinted (not so quietly) that if we liked this church and stayed, they loved our previous experience with Awanas and were in need of more helpers.

So far, we have liked what we have seen and are praying about making this church our home church. We still have a few more questions to find out about before we decide for sure, but it is looking like our shopping is over. Which is good, because I hate church shopping.

1st Anniversary trip

2011-10-31T10:16:00.002-05:00

For our anniversary, Keester and I saved up and went on a road trip. We saw many things neither of us had every seen before, went to a state neither of us had been to before, got lost via the evil Tom Tom (though, not quote as bad as that one time with Andrea...). It was great! But way too short.

What we saw:

Day One

Our first stop was Carhenge just out side of Alliance, NE. Very red neck, but still cool. It was crazy how you can walk up to a car sticking out of the ground like that and star up at it! Almost made you a little nervous to wonder if it would every fall on you...

Then we made our way to Valentine, NE to see Smith falls. We totally got lost and went down the wrong dirt road trying to find the falls once or twice. It is so wired. It looks just like normal old Nebraska until you are right near the falls. Then it is green, a little more hilly, and BOOM, falls.

It was a pretty mellow hike back to the falls, nothing like some in Colorado, but way more than I could have done physically just a few short months ago. We were both so happy that I was able to do it and enjoy it! I made it all the way back to the falls and back just fine.

We had yet another adventure in getting lost while looking for our hotel that first night! Then we found out I read the directions wrong... oops.

Day Two

The main things we saw this day was Laura Ingalls Wilder's home (other than cranes migrating... totally had to pull over and get some pictures). After having read all of her books this year while I was sick, and hearing we would be in the area on our trip, we had to stop. No options!

We spent about two hours here looking around and going into the different buildings. It was crazy to see the tiny replica of their home! It was hard to imagine two adults and four children living in the dugout or simple shanty (before Pa added onto it). It was also cool learning how efficient Dugouts were: they were warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer, way cheap to build! Though, all that said, I am not sure I would want to live in a house made out of dirt.

We also went on a wagon ride to see an old school building like the one Laura taught in. Which was cool too see (though the presentation there was a little dull).

Day Three

We went to the mall of America -- and got a head start on our Christmas shopping.

The lego place was so cool!!

We also found this little shop just for these awesome bean bags. They were the most comfortable bean bag either of us have ever sat in!

Day Four

First we had breakfast with my old core mate Becky. I had not seen her in five years! It was soo good to catch up a little with her.

We went mini golfing in the mall. The same golf place that shot out a ball that hit me in the head during lunch the day before! That was an exciting meal.

The mini golf place was not that elaborate, but we still had fun. Keester beat me, by a lot.

That day we also went to the aquarium in the basement of the mall. Which was way cooler than the mini golf!

We got to see all sorts or underwater animals, I got to pet a sea erchen (much funner to pet than to eat. just saying), there was a cool octopus, we got to watch them feed the sharks. Way cool. They told us about how smart octopuses are, and how they get sneaky when they are board. The octopus had toys in its cage and could play fetch like a dog with its trainers. When they were feeding the sharks, we were in a tube looking up at them!

Then we went swimming at our hotel in the afternoon.

I did all of this, and was still functioning! This trip really showed us how much better I am getting. Four months ago, if I walked three blocks from our home, Keester had to help me back. On our trip we walked, hiked, golfed, swam, and I was just tired at the end of the day. Not so dead that I could barely walk, tired! It was very good to see just how much better I am getting.

Day Five

The main thing we did along the road, was stop at Laura's old dugout site in Walnut Grove. Not as elaborate as her last home site, but still cool to see and recognize the land from her books.

We got to Sioux Falls, SD sooner than I thought (I did the math wrong), and hung out there for the evening. We did find this really cool salad fast food place, though. It was set up like a subway and was really tasty! We had that for dinner and got it the next morning and stuck it in our cooler for lunch on the road.

Day six

Was mostly us driving the last stretch of road home. We listened to, and had a great time discussing, a bunch of Matt Chandler Sermons to keep us occupied while drive across NE.

Moved!

2011-10-31T09:25:00.003-05:00

My big reason for not blogging in so long: WE MOVED!

We now live in TN, Keester is loving his job, and we just finally got internet.

The move was rather crazy, but over all, smooth.

Before we went on our anniversary trip (which I have yet to blog about...), Keester got his first call back for a job application (he had been sending out a bunch online). Not long after getting back from our trip, there were more calls and a job offer from said programming company. Long story short, he was just what they wanted, we prayed about it, and took the job offer!

During the calling time, I got sick. So, I could not pack much right away, but once I got started, I did not really stop.

Thus, The 20th of September, I gave my two weeks notice, and Keester gave his two and a half (though, was walked off sooner because his nasty boss decided to get one last jab at him while no one was there to defend him... SO glad he is not working there anymore!).

In the middle of all our packing, we also had two weddings to go to in CO, spent a weekend with my parents (same as the first wedding, which both wedding were beautiful!), and went to the Doctor I have been seeing in CO (got great reports!). Going to all of that did make packing a little exciting, but we got it done.

October 8th, we drove to TN with a car load of stuff to find and move into an apartment in the two days we would have there. With lots of prayer and looking up apartments online beforehand, we found one the 10th (the first one we looked at), signed up, and got it the next day! Definitely a God thing there! We had to have my pour uncle fax us documents and help us in the getting of it. It all worked out, and we left a car load of our things behind in our new home.

We got back to NE late the 13th, only to load up my parents truck, and a U-haul trailer, and our two cars on the 14th, then spend two more days in the car! We got quite sick of driving by the end, let me tell you.

Everyone was amazed at what we fit in. There were several times we were afraid it would not all fit. Like when my dad and I first took a look at the U-haul, we thought there was no way! Luckily, it looked bigger on the inside than on the outside.

Then there was the scare of no guys coming to help us load the big things in the trailer! Keester being the only one that could help lift a couch, but certainly not by himself (the others there were 14 or had weight restrictions). We were panicking, but then I got a hold of Paul and he named some other guys he was sure could help as well: Andy and Michael. Those three men don't know how much they helped us!!

Once in TN, Keester's parents came to help us unload, and so Keester and his dad did all the big furniture.

It was a lot faster unloading it all then it was loading!

Anyway, we are all moved in, mostly unpacked, and starting to get settled.

Keester is loving his new job, and they are liking him.

Our cat, Chloe, is adjusting well. Though, she did hate the moving part and have to get drugged for parts of it... Chloe did love seeing the worlds largest ball of twine, though... :D

Alarm in the night

2011-09-19T12:22:00.003-05:00

First off, it needs to be noted: I am the lighter sleeper of us two (Keester and I). The cat barfs in the night, I heard it. She makes a mess, I hear it. Someone gets up down stairs sick, I hear it. Keep that in mind with the strange story to follow.

Around 3:30am, I heard Keester get out of bed. I am wondering why, certain it is not a good time to be awake. Then I start hearing this beeping, which it turns out woke him up. He and I both think of the timers first (we were grilling and using them for dinner the night before). I get mad (I don't wake up the best some times) at the timer. How dare it wake me up when I have blood work to do around 8am?!

So, after him going down, and the beeping not stopping, I decide he must need help. So I get up, use the restroom, fumble down the stairs, and find out no timers are going off. One the the alarms is. Keester is in the dining room trying to get to the smoke detector on the ceiling. I stand on a chair with Keester steadying me, and got it taken care of (I had seen how this one came apart once before and knew how). The beeping went on. It was not the smock detector, it was the carbon-monoxide detector. Having been told by Grandpa once before what it was for, I woke up quickly to explain to Keester what it was and add on, "We have to call the fire department and get out of the house now."

Then, I went up stairs as he found a house phone. I grabbed on the clothes I could find (I was in a nightie and it was cold out), grabbed the protesting cat and put her in her cage, and made my way out of the house to join Keester.

At this point, we were both thinking how hard it was getting to breathe, but thought we were just in a panic. Then I confessed It was hard to breathe, and we both knew something was very wrong!

Keester called the police and then we waited for a bit before someone came. Really, they had great response time. A police officer was soon there. He went into the house to check it out. Then a fire pick-up came, then a fire truck, then another police car, then another fire pick-up. Then people were putting on masks and going in and out of our house, as we started to shiver harder, our cat looked about not sure at all what was going on, and we got asked all sorts of questions. Which lead to us having to wake up my grandparents on their vacation.

We told my groggy grandma, "First off, the house is not on fire, but..." Then we asked her what we needed to. They soon had a guy from the gas company coming. Then more waiting (he took a while to come because he lived in another town).

The joke was made to my grandmother, "We did always threaten to throw a crazy party while you were gone... We just never said what kind."

The poor fire men had a time of it with our two carbon-monoxide detector and trying to figure out what was going on. See, the one in the dining room was going off, but not the one in the basement, nearest to our gas heater (turned on the first time for the fall the end of last week) or our hot water heater (also gas). However, when they brought the one from the basement upstairs to the main floor, it then went off. What was going on here?

Our grill was going on.

We had grilled for dinner, and pulled our grill in the garage too soon. The coals let off enough gas to fill our house, but not the basement.

So, we opened up the house, got it aired out enough to sleep on the main floor (not upstairs where our room is), and turned on fans and opened windows upstairs. Finally going back to bed around 5am.

We are now allowed up there, but I am thinking I won't be lighting candles any time too soon.

Married for a year?

2011-09-13T16:48:00.001-05:00

So, I have now been married for a year now...

First thought: Wow

Second thought: Do all the years go by as fast as this one did?

(though, the part where I was sick did not seem to go that fast)

Keester and I both agree, it is odd to think that we have been married for over a year now.

Lessons from the first year:

-Everything effects the other. You are too close for it not too.

-My husband is very bossy when he thinks I am not taking care of my sick, weak body like I should be. Though, when I did not (or do not, because I am still in recovery), he has to do a lot for me and has to see me suffering when he can't just fix me like he would like to. Which, was/is pretty much torture to him to see me so sick.

-Men, or at least my man, has some very odd living habits that differ greatly (at times) from mine. I think this is really going to hit home when we have our own house and are figuring out how to really live together fully, and not just live together in someone else's home with their living standards. Once we are setting the rules and not just following (because every home has a general living pattern and rules that are unspoken), we will be really finding out how the other lives. I am expecting some bumps and more revelations that surprise or seem odd to each other that we will have to figure out. Though, some living habits the other was warned about before getting married in some way or the other. Like how Keester is generally not a neat person, but I am sort of (looking at our area of the house, you would think neither of us are orderly people right now!). Then you have me that was like, "Well, I can live with that if the bathroom, Kitchen, and living room are kept neat," and by neat I meant next door to spotless (due to people living in the house, I know it will not be so 100% of the time. Like when I am not feeling well, I am not going out of my way to make things perfect). Really, it seems like a lot of the first year was figuring out how to live together, getting used to their being another person in your bed, not just calling it your bed, eating habits, sleeping habits, how late one or the other stays up, etc.

-However, there were other ways we have learned or grown as a couple as well (some too deep and personal to blog about). For me, I am seeing my motives in a new light (like how selfish I can be at times). Also growing different in my walk with God than I have been. When we listen to sermons or do Bible studies together, we both see it differently and help the other see it in a new light. We can read the same verses, be faced with the same challenge, and handle or see it so differently! I know for me, Keester has helped me see things, and learn things, I would have otherwise missed on my own.

Less than $1 an hour

2011-08-30T17:33:00.002-05:00

The only jewelry I have made this month is earrings for a wedding (I do special orders). Other than that, it looks like I have done nothing for my business. Really, in this case, looks are not that deceiving. I have done hardly anything, but I have spent a lot of time thinking and doing math.

The math does not look pretty: I make less than $1 an hour on my jewelry.

This is mostly due to our horrible economy (that I don't see getting better) and that I have to mark down most of my jewelry to get it to sell - often marking it down until I make no money at all.

Conclusion:

Though I love making the jewelry (and wish I made enough not to have to have a "real job"), it is not worth it. I could be doing so much more with my time, and I have decided I will.

No, I am not quitting jewelry all together, just a major down size and a lot less of my time put into it. Like, it will only sell in one store now instead of two (the store that it was selling better at anyway).

4th Look

2011-08-17T14:27:00.001-05:00

Yup, my blog has yet a new look. It was time for a makeover.

Maybe just like I want real journals with different covers, I need to change this once in a while.

Who knows, I just know it looks cool.

Children's Ministry

2011-08-17T14:12:00.002-05:00

I am involved in this children's ministry where I live. Sometimes, I really wonder what I am doing there. Really, me? What do I have to offer? [Then other times I think I am this great asset, but we are not going into that delusion right now...]

Really, I may fool myself at times, but I have so little wisdom. Half the time, I don't know what I am doing there. These kids need so much more than I can give!

Then I think, 'but isn't that the point?'

I can't help them, as much as I would like to, it has to be God. If I am not letting God do what He needs to, and just doing what I think I need to, I am missing the mark.

I like fixing things, it is hard for me to get I can't fix people;

however, I can point them to God who can.

Desire to Move

2011-08-16T14:00:00.003-05:00

So, I have become desperate to move. Seriously, I am SO ready to be out of NE. I am becoming very discontent with where God has me right now and the desire to move only grows.

The real question: is this desire from God, or just me?

Answer thus far: I don't know. All I know is, I want it, and have wanted it for over a year now.

If my plans had worked out, I would have moved away from here two years ago this month. God decided to have me stick around, not do long distance with my boyfriend and then marry said boyfriend. Which is great and good and I am glad He had me stay here for that.

His plans are always better, aren't they?

That is why it is so important to know: Is it God's plan for us to move, or mine?
Do we pursue this, or wait?
Job search, or work full heartedly here?

I would move tomorrow - If I could.

For now, I pray and wait.

Too Hot!!

2011-07-20T17:58:00.003-05:00

So, I have this really important question I must ask:

Why does God keep having me live places that are so hot, when I get heat sick?

I think it is time to change locations. Though, I guess I will have to wait and see what He says about that.

I am hoping some place with cooler summers is coming my way because what I can do when it is this hot, is very limited. When you are sitting still sweating, in your own house, you can't do anything that might make you hotter for fear of getting heat sick (like I got heat sick last night!). Thus, you keep sitting still and trying to do what you can with as little movement as possible.

Google+

2011-07-05T15:48:00.003-05:00

So, I was just checking out Google+ (which I need an invite to!!). I am thinking it looks pretty cool. Once I can, I am totally going to try it out! Both Keester and I want one (whoever gets an invite first will send one to the other, than we are in).

I like the whole circles idea where if you added someone that you really don't want to share much with but awkwardly had to add them (or something), you just don't share everything with them! Nice.

Plus, video group chats is an awesome option.

Anyway, it looks like it could be good.

Getting better

2011-06-28T15:06:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor again last week and they think they finally have some answers. As it turns out, it is not one big thing (like they were looking for) but several smaller things.

They have already started treatment for all four and are expecting noticeable changes over the next few weeks and months.

What does this mean? Well, hopefully it means my blog gets less lame because I am doing more than feel horrible. Either that, or my blog will get neglected because I am finally out doing stuff again and able to hang out with people and go on walks and clean the house and make jewelry and ...

Well, you get the point. There is a lot it has been hard to do, or I have not been doing. I am looking forward to that changing.

Well enough to hurt myself...

2011-06-16T15:33:00.002-05:00

So, it is official. I am on crutches for the forth time in my life.

Sigh...

Honest, I don't think it is fun!

This time it is for just a bruised bone and not for a sprain and bruised bone combo.

I am living proof you don't have to leave your room to try to break your leg. I hurt my ankle in our room.

So, I get to add few more weeks on crutches to my life. At least the crutches help with the pain level. I can put some weight on it, but it hurts a lot and just makes it bruise and swell more if I do all my weight for any amount of time. :s

My fat foot would not fit in my shoe this morning. I had to go with flip flops because I could get them on. At least my boss did not mind my flip flops at work. ;)

Update on my health

2011-06-13T17:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally went to a specialist in Colorado that said they can help me. They have started on a bunch of tests and are more thorough than any doctor I have ever been too. I see them again next week. The good news is, I am already noticing a difference in my energy level (YAY!). So, I know they are on the right track. Maybe, be the end of the year, I will be running at 100% again.

Where is your trust?

2011-05-20T11:39:00.002-05:00

"The great lesson of this book [Judges], then, is that we must take God seriously about the enemy. Jesus Christ has come to save us from our sins -- not to allow us to settle down to live all our lives with them. He has come to drive them out from us and to separate us from them. If we do not take God seriously about these things that we call trivial we will experience an inevitable sequence, taking us step by step away from the intervening grace of God, onward to a course that brings us at last to moral collapse. I think this is the answer to those sudden moral collapses of men and women who have apparently been outstanding leaders for God, who present, on the outside at least, a fair and happy prospect that looks as though their spiritual life is strong. Then suddenly we read of some terrible moral collapse. What has happened? There has been an inward deterioration, exactly along the pattern of the book of Judges."

by Ray C. Stedman

(I know I have shared that quote before when talking about something else, but it is relevant to this too)

Jeremiah 17:5-8 (NASB)

⁵Thus says the LORD,
"Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind
And makes flesh his strength,
And whose heart turns away from the LORD.
⁶"For he will be like a bush in the desert
And will not see when prosperity comes,
But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness,
A land of salt without inhabitant.
⁷"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD
And whose trust is the LORD.
⁸"For he will be like a tree planted by the water,
That extends its roots by a stream
And will not fear when the heat comes;
But its leaves will be green,
And it will not be anxious in a year of drought
Nor cease to yield fruit.

Where is your trust?

Is it in man that will eventually fail you?

Is it in a "good" teacher or leader? Even a "good" Bible teacher?

If it is not in God, you are in trouble.

Where do I put my trust?

Do I put my trust in man more than God? It is a scary question to ask. Sometimes, I have been guilty of putting my trust in a human rather than the living God.

There will be this great Bible teacher or Christian leader and I am like, "yeah! They have the answers, I will just follow them and I will be made well." Even if my heart won't admit that is what it is thinking, sometimes it is.

Don't get me wrong, we need people and we need godly leaders in our life. However, they can not be the ones we trust to guide our lives or fix them, that has to be God. Also, we need to be checking the advice they give, the sermons they preach -- be thinkers and seeing if it lines up with God's word.

God has to be the one we go to first and for most. If those that are claiming to be godly leaders don't point you to Him and His word first, be afraid.

If when a godly leader you looked up to fails --big time-- you lose your faith and fail too; was your faith really in God in the first place, or in that person that just fell?

Facebook cleaning (kind of like spring cleaning...)

2011-05-17T21:29:00.003-05:00

So, I have been cleaning up my facebook of late. Deleting old notes (most of which are also on here), statuses, and thinking about deleting more.

Also, deleting people from my friends list too, I think in the hype of facebook I added a bunch of people I hardly knew, and now I don't remember them anymore, so I delete them. lol. Either that or I was like, "I talked to that person once, why did I add them?"

I don't know, I just want a cleaner, less drama filled, safer world out of my facebooking life. So, I decided to make it that way myself. We'll see how it goes. Might make it so people can only send me messages and no longer post for all to see on my wall, but I have not decided for sure yet (that might be more extreme than I want, not sure, just a wee tempting).

Feminism

2011-04-06T19:34:00.002-05:00

I am a feminist.

I am a feminist that is against abortion, against being a man, and against tearing down men or trying to replace them.

I am a feminist that is for women being women, and being valued as women.

I am a feminist that believes I should not have to be like a man to be respected, valued, praised, or make my way in the world.

I am a feminist that believes in stay at home moms, moms at college, and moms that have jobs (because they have to, or because they love to).

I am a feminist that believes abortion is a sign our country is sick.

I am a feminist that grew up as a bit of a Tom-boy, but I believe "being girly" should not be a derogatory statement.

I am a feminist that believes women should have equal pay for equal work. However, I also believe a woman should get a job because she is good at it, and not just because she is a woman.

I am a feminist that hates that the only people that it is good to be prejudice against is white males.

I am a feminist and I am married and believe my husband is the leader of our (small) family. However, if he walked all over me and gave me no say "because I am a woman", he would find mutiny on my part soon to follow.

I am a feminist that thinks single woman can be happy and fulfilled, and are not missing out on God's best for them by being single. If God has called you to be single, that is His best for you, and being married would suck for you.

I am a feminist and a Christian; and I don't believe that is a sin.

I am a feminist that is against main-stream feminists because they are not for women. They are for trying to turn women into men because even they believe that is the only way to have value.

I am a feminist that believes men and women have value in different ways and should not have to compete for it or try to be a different gender to get that value.

I am a feminist that hates sexist battles, boys against girls, degrading either gender or trying to prove one is better than the other.

I am a feminist that likes getting flowers from my husband or being told I am beautiful by him (for I know my beauty is not all he values).

I am a feminist and I think guys have value too.

I am a feminist that wants men to be men, for I cannot replace them.

I am a woman; and that should not be a thing of shame, nor arrogance.

Discouraged

2011-04-01T17:51:00.002-05:00

I have a confession: I have let myself become very discouraged about my current health issues.

No, it is not like I am totally bed ridden or on the verge of death; but spending most of my time in bed and having so little energy or strength has really been getting to me at times. There are weeks on end I don't make it to church, I miss work or can only work a few hours before I go home too tired to even make myself dinner, I have had to quit one children's ministry I do and may yet have to quit the other I am not able to go to very faithfully. There are days my husband (my very loving husband that takes such good care of me), has to help me to sit up so I can drink or help me walk to the bathroom. Some weeks he has brought me up my every meal to my bed and had to prop me up with pillows so I could sit up enough to eat it.

Sometimes, I am ashamed to say, I have bitterly wondered why God is letting this happen to me.

I have known people that have gone through far worse that what I am going through, and been shining lights for God -- Loving Him and serving Him as best they can. Then you have me, little self centered me, who just wants to be better so bad.

Sometimes, I have a better attitude than others.

I have prayed for healing, it has not come, I am trying to ask, "Okay then, what now? What would You have me do now?" When I am getting sicker instead of better, what am I to do now?

How am I going to get out of this mental pity party and be disciplined enough to do what I can, when I can?

Obviously, when I am too weak to get myself out of bed there is not much I can do.

However, there are things I can do when I am tried but have the strength to sit up just fine on my own. Like write, pray, and read. (we are not talking about the lovely days I feel well enough to go out of the house or to work more than an hour. Which those days do come)

One day, when I asked God how on earth I was to serve Him like this, the answer impressed upon my heart was I can still pray for those I know need it. Have I done that faithfully? Sadly, no.

I get to choose, will I use this time to learn and draw closer to God, or will I just be fed up with my limitations and focus on them?

My choice.

Books I finished this year or last

2011-03-30T17:55:00.005-05:00

So, if you don't like reading books, don't bother reading this post :D

This is a list of my favorite books I have read in the past year-ish and why they were so good. After all, if I just tell you a book is good, what does that mean? If I tell you why I liked it, that gives you a better idea.

The list

[these are not in any special order, and some books I enjoyed are not in this list]

Books Keester and I read together:

•Adventures in Missing the Point

by Brian D. McLaren & Tony Campolo

This was a good book for us to go through as a dating couple and see where each other stands on different parts of Christianity. Though we often felt the authors missed the point themselves (lol), it is a book set up very nicely for discussion and brings up topics that are good to be on the same page in a long term relationship.

• The 10 commandments of Marriage

by Ed Young

My grandparents gave this to us as an engagement gift. They give it as a gift to most young couples, and Keester and I can see why. It is an excellent book on some very important dos and don't in marriage, like: thou shalt not be a selfish pig!

Really, if I got started on this book and all the good things in it, I would write more than you would want to read. So, if you are thinking of marrying someone, or are engaged, read it with them and talk it over.

• Church History in Plain Language

(third edition)

By Bruce L. Shelley

This book is amazing. It tells you SO much about the church, where it has been, what things it has done right and wrong, and different people that helped shape it. It is easy to read, interesting, and full of information! Though a little long, it is very worth your time.

Books I read on my own:

•The Twelfth Night

By Shakespeare

This was just hilarious! So, many love triangles and being mistaken for someone else. It was great.

•A Tale of Two Cities

By Charles Dickens

This was interesting, gave me a better idea of that time, and thought provoking. It makes me think about how I treat others, and about how much damage bitterness can do. Also, it is very well written and has many characters I could admire in it.

•Jane Eyre

by Charlotte Brontë

I love how the main character is written and the book is well written. However, I did not like who she ended up marrying. I found him to be a jerk and not worthy of her.

•The Bride Wore Coveralls

By Debra Ullrick

Whom I can never call Debra because she has always been Debby to me -- I have known the author for many years. She is a funny person and writer. She also unashamedly bring God into her book continually, which was nice to see (But knowing Debby, was not unexpected).

I liked reading it because I know the author, and because it was pretty funny.

•If

by Amy Carmichael

This book is very thought provoking both of Christ's love for us and our showing that love to others. It shows you how great His love is, and how far ours comes short from where it needs to be.

•Lord, Heal my Hurts

By Kay Arthur

An excellent devotional on forgiveness and growing closer to God (and how you can't get closer to Him without forgiveness). It took me longer than 13 weeks to get through this 13 week devotional, but not because it was not good. It was probably one of the best books I have ever read. If you are struggling with forgiveness in any area of your life (even if it is forgiving yourself), I strongly recommend this book.

My March

2011-03-30T17:38:00.002-05:00

Really, my March was kind of busy but not and boring but not.

I spent a lot of it not feeling well. When I was feeling well I was making jewelry to meet my April 1st quota; either that or on the phone with doctors offices trying to get them to get their billing right (incompetent billing departments in hospitals/doctors offices seems to be the norm in Nebraska, unfortunately).

Really, that about sums up my month... Which is kind of sad.

However, I have family coming this weekend and that should be good. :)

The month of April promises to be a little more lively, let's hope I have the energy for it.

Jewelry business

2011-02-18T16:37:00.002-06:00

So, I started this business about a year and a half ago (while I was jobless), and I don't think I have told my blog about it.

It is hard, but so much funner than a real job. ;)

It is hard because the business world can be very cruel and dishonest. Not to mention the competition, getting costumers, and keeping costumers! Luckily the two owners of the stores I have my jewelry at now are nice; but I did have to quit doing business with one store I did have my jewelry at the first year.

Lots of learning lessons! I still feel like I hardly know what I am doing. However, I am starting to learn and look for information to learn even more. (I should have gone to college for business, might have helped)

Plus, the jewelry I am making keeps getting better and better!

Really, the making the jewelry, being my own boss, and making all the calls are the fun part. I decide my hours, I get to do something I love, and make money for it! (though not enough, yet, to quit my other job that I got not long after starting the business)

It is fun dreaming out and going for goals to make my business bigger and better. Even if some fail and I get yet another learning lesson (like trying to get a web site last fall almost made my business go under), it is still exciting!

Itching to move

2011-01-24T17:19:00.001-06:00

So, I really think it is time to move... I have been in Nebraska too long.

Goal

2011-01-13T17:42:00.000-06:00

Goal for my blog this year. Have a reader...

lol

Sick of being sick

2010-12-21T12:33:00.000-06:00

For a little over a year now (since I had Swine Flu), I have just not felt good. I kept thinking I would get better. So, my boyfriend and I got engaged. Then we got married, thinking I would eventually feel better during the wedding planning time. No such luck.

Don't get me wrong, I believe God had a plan in us getting married when we did. My complaint is not in being married at all, it is in being sick this long.

Honestly, it is becoming very discouraging. I am so weak and tired, there is little I can do, and little my husband and I can do together.

Yet, I have been praying that God helps me through this time. I have prayed for healing, and it has not come, so maybe God has another plan for this time of waiting to be better.

Things I am able to do:

• Read

• Draw (some times)

• Write (some times)

• Pray

Maybe this time is to draw me in closer to God. It is not like I can make myself busy doing a ton of things right now to keep me from Him.

Cat proof

2010-12-14T11:59:00.002-06:00

So, I do believe there are parts of cat proofing a house that are harder than baby proofing it!

Other than anything to do with books. The only thing my husbands cat like to do to books is lay on open ones. Babies like to tear and draw in books.

Things that are harder:

Cats try to climb up your drapes or furniture, thus scratching them to bits. Babies will climb, but few that high and few every 5 minutes or less. De-clawing the cat helps, but not their leaping onto things and knocking things off just to knock them off (there are certain rooms that cat is no longer allowed in at all).

You have to put plugs in the wall to keep babies from getting shocked and killed, this cat likes to lick plugs.

Babies bite, but they don't bite, hold on, and start clawing while they have you.

Babies don't leap onto things two or three times their hight.

You have to keep small things off the floor so babies don't eat them, you have to do the same for this cat.

Babies, normally, don't throw themselves at doors to try to open them. This cat does.

Anyway, if I ever even get this stubborn cat that hates me even remotely trained, I might be able to train any pet!

Popularity trap

2010-11-15T17:24:00.004-06:00

Everyone wants to be someone to someone or lots of someones. They want to be noticed, be cool, be loved.

Even hermits and those that won't let people in, need people.

The things is, this desire can become a plague. Yes, it is good to have friends and people that love you, even people that look up to you; but it can't be what you live for, or strive for.

I must confess, and this may shock some of my numerous readers, that I have never been popular. Never. I was much closer to the reject than popular, most of my life. Christian circles or not, which is the saddest part of it.

Some places I lived, I was too little to quite get I was not popular; some places I was rejected because I was home-schooled; sometimes I was rejected for being too quiet; some places I was rejected because of rumors and lies spread about me; some places I tried so hard to have friends, and was maybe rejected for that.

It hurt.

In my drivers Ed. class (the only public school class I ever had), I observed something about those that are popular and those that are not. Everyone secretly hated and bad mouthed the mean, "popular girl" behind her back, but sucked up to her face. The "none-popular," nice girl, everyone genuinely liked.

So, challenge to your thinking. Who won the real friends?

We are trained to think the first, but I would say the girl that was nice won.

Yet, I learned little from that, sadly.

After High-school, I went to Teen Mania, very afraid and desperate for friends. Honestly, looking back, my desperateness mixed with my fear of being hurt again, had me set up for failure.

Note: I am glad I went to the HA and do not blame them for my relationship issues at all.

I wanted to know a ton of people, and them to know me. Even if it was just names and shallow talks. I wanted to "know" people, and lots of them. So, I had a lot of acquaintances. Many that now, don't even remember me. Few that I regularly hung out with. Yet, my fear kept me in my room alone, or with whichever roommate happened to be in there at the time.

So, I was lonely a lot. Yet, I had a lot of people to say hi to as we walked by each other on the side walk. However, I was no where near a popular intern. I feel like I utterly wasted my energy relationship wise that year.

Though, there are still a few people I talk to and consider real friends and not just acquaintances. So, it was not a total loss.

Now, I live in a click-ish small town. Popularity runs so deep in the towns heart, even the churches struggle with it -- the last place people that should have to be "the coolest" or smash down others to get higher than them.

Why do we make ourselves to want man's approval more than God's? We should be looking out for those around us. Not judging who we will hang out with by how they look, how much they make, how they talk, what kind of music they listen to or what click they are in.

Shame on the church for ever doing this!!

Shame one me, for letting this bug bite me!! This Plague!! For letting others decide my worth or thinking I am too cool for someone!!

SHAME!!!!

John 17:20-21 (NASB)

"I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me."

By our clicks, we go against What God's heart is for us.

John 13:34-35 (NIV)

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Command, not a request, not a suggestion. Command. If the church is just as click-ish and unloving as the world, why take part in it? Those watching from the outside know it is wrong. Yet, it goes un-reprimanded and unfixed.

Galations 5:22-23 (NASB)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

I once heard you grow these in order they are listed. Think about it:

• You want Joy? Be loving!

• You want peace? You can't have it without being loving and joyful.

• Want patience? You need the three that go before.

It starts with Love. Humans, on their own, cannot truly love (I firmly believe that). We first need God to show us love:

1 John 4:19 (NIV)

We love because He first loved us.

If we miss this, if we don't get love and give it, we have missed most, if not all, of the Christian life we are meant to live.

Love lets people in. Love doesn't depend on your pay check. Love doesn't pretend it is higher than another.

God, help me be loving. Help Your church to be loving. Forgive us for failing You in this.

Tribute to awesomeness

2010-11-05T12:28:00.004-05:00

Have you ever had someone that just made a certain part of your life brighter? Maybe at school, work, or in your dorm. Even perhaps, an awesome neighbor or a back row buddy at church. I have had several people like that in my life.

What a blessing they are. :D

At work

(note, I am not doing current jobs)
Really, up until I was at Teen Mania (TM or HA), not one comes to mind. There were people I did enjoy working with more than others, don't get me wrong, just none that made a hard day better or stood out more than the others by far.

So, the awesomeness award at TM goes to... **drum role** Wendy!

For the first four months of my internship, I worked in the kitchen. Honestly, I did not like my ministry placement. Up top of that, I was going through a pretty hard time (other than after my grandma Joice died, the hardest part of my internship year). So, I grudgingly went into that kitchen every morning at 5am for work. However, Wendy had a way of making my job seem good and life happier when I got to work with her (the K-crew MA). She was a loving happy person, and helped those around her be more so.

Again, not that she was the only good person to work with at TM. There were A LOT of good people to work with there. Wendy just really stands out when I think back to my time there.

Next work awesomeness award goes to the Halls at the coffee shop I worked at. Yes, Mother and Son get to share this place.

First Susan: Susan was nicer to me than any other woman that worked there. She, who had more troubles than any of the others, showed me kindness above all the others. For that, she most certainly makes this list!

Zane, well, who doesn't like working with Zane? He could make you laugh -- at yourself, him, your odd customers -- and helps boring days goes nicer. Plus, playing pranks on each other when things were slow helped it go faster ;)

School

The private school I went to in high-school was just awesome (part of 9th grade, all of 10th). Keep that in mind.

So, it was kind of a one-room school house type thing with only 12 full time students.

Every month or so, we would change the order of the desks. As random as the teacher changing them tried to make it, I was by Iliana for at least half of the school year, if not more. However, neither of us complained about this. We found it funny and liked sitting by each other.

We made each others day brighter with this odd game we would play. See, would would poke the other in the ribs (with out getting caught was the key), and see who responded most loudly. This sometimes meant as we were talking we got poked. Somehow, we never got in trouble for this, but we sure got a lot of laughs out of it.

This next story is about a moment at the school that I still look back on and laugh:

So, Emily and Iliana were trying to pass notes. They got caught and in trouble. They were very restless for the school day to be over, and determined to pass notes or find some way of talking to each other. Thus, after being told not to pass notes anymore, they obeyed, and they just wrote very largely and held it up for each other to see. Also making it so the whole class room and the teacher could see very clearly what they were saying to each other.

I shall never forget the face our teacher made. You could see that he had never seen a student do that before. He just stared for a moment before taking care of it, too shocked at first maybe.

hehe...

In College I had an academic stalker. No matter what she says, she was stalking me, not the other way around!!

What is an academic stalker you might be asking?

Someone that stalks you by signing up for the same classes as you so as to just look like they like school and not that they are stalking you.

Lindsay stalked me!!!

And we, together, freaked out many of our teachers by talking about it and accusing each other of being the one stalking the other. :) It was fun.

General shout outs

• Dani, my teeth brushing buddy in my dorm. Somehow, we ended up in the bathroom getting ready for bed at the same time a lot.

• Anne, my back row, church buddy before I starting sitting with Keester near the front.

• Jenn, for being awesome and inviting me to all sorts of things that first summer I lived here in NE

• Jack, for stalking me while I was stalking him, both trying to figure out who this crazy person was that was hanging out with Jenn. We freaked Jenn out. :D

• Joe, I guess I have to give him one for bring Keester to NE...

• Martha, my naughty daughter and fake lover on facebook. I am still getting adds about motherhood!!!! gr...

• Keester, for asking me out a million times until I got what he wanted. :P

Very persistent that one! :D

Disclaimer

If you are not on this post, it does not mean you are not awesome, nor does it mean I don't think you are awesome. It might just mean I got tired of typing.

End of post!

Two months

2010-11-04T10:33:00.001-05:00

I have been married for two months.

My day came...

2010-10-26T16:59:00.002-05:00

It has finally happened to me. I always knew it would. There was little avoiding it with how I am. So many others have gone through it before me: My dad, my mom, my older sister, Keester, my brother in law, my Uncle, Sarah, Emily, Greg, Luke, Pablo, and too many more to name them all (I am sure. plus I don't know who all I know that this has happened to...). Some cry, some talk a lot, some have their children watching or their friends there to laugh at them. All of them go on the record.

I had Keester and Jennifer to watch.

"What happened?" you might be asking. Well, let me tell you:

See, Keester and I were on our way to my parent's house for the weekend. Along the way, we picked up Jennifer secretly to surprise them for dinner on Friday night. As I was driving from Jennifer's to my parent's in the dark, we got to talking, and I quit watching my speed. Then we came over this little hill, and I saw headlights suddenly turn on on a car on the side of the road. It quickly pulled onto the road behind me as it turned on more colourful lights.

Immediately, I looked down at my speed. Yup, that's for me... I was going 10 over.

He came up to my car window, informing me the reason he pulled me over was because I was going 75 in a 65. I told him I knew, that I had gotten busy talking and was not watching my speed enough. I laughed and told him as soon as I saw his lights turn on, I looked down and knew he was coming for me. He thanked me for being honest, and only gave me a warning instead of a $179 ticket. Then it was my chance to thank him!

Apparently, I get pulled over like a pro. He was surprised it was my first time ever being pulled over and confessed he thought I was an off duty cop or dispatcher by how well I handled it and how smoothly I responded. Really, I think it was just because sometimes when I am nervous I get really talkative and giddy. Which Jennifer and Keester found entertaining. They think he found me funny and that is why he did not give me a ticket.

Moral of the story: don't lie to cops, watch your speed, and try to relax when pulled over? I don't know... Maybe the moral is I could have gotten away with being an off duty cop :P j/k

Lessons in leadership

2010-10-16T15:23:00.003-05:00

So, I have been learning something about leadership of late. Between a couple sermons our paster recently did on parenting and some Bible reading Keester and I are doing together, I am seeing leadership a little differently.

A good leader not only tells you what you are doing wrong and reprimands you for it, they also praise you for what you have done right.

My husband and I talked about how so often in Paul's letters, he tells people about some of the great things he has heard about them or seen them do; though, he often had to tell them what they were doing wrong and to knock it off, as well. Even John in Revelations did this with his letters to the churches. I forgot to check the other writers of the new testament, but we did talk and decided that must be a sign of a good leader: Someone that will tell you what a great job you are doing when you did it; but also show you what you did wrong and reprimand you for it if need be (parents and leaders sometimes need to punish for it).

Too often I feel like all I do at the children's ministries I work at is tell them to knock off the bad things they are doing and to behave. When I see good things they are doing, I need to point them out and thank them for it too.

It is never fun to always be told what you are doing wrong and never what you are doing right. I know it makes me feel like I do nothing right. I don't want to make the kids I am trying to teach about God feel that way!

I got to put this into practice at Awanas on Wednesday, maybe I will get a chance to at the Ark this Tuesday.

How I did this at Awanas:

I told the girls what they did right during counsel time (the time when someone speaks or teaches them songs): they raised their hands to talk, when they answered questions you could tell they were listening and learning. I also had to tell them something they needed to work on: not putting their feet on the chair in front of them. I told them I was proud they listened so well and gave them all a sucker.

Moral of the story, I need to look for good things the kids I am in charge of are doing and tell them about them.

Growing love :)

2010-10-11T15:11:00.000-05:00

So, I just realized something the other night (late last week or over the weekend).

I love Keester more now than before we were married.

Just enough to tell, but still, different. This made me excited. See, if we keep seeking each other out and learning to love each other more, our love will just get better and better and bigger and bigger as we grow old together. :D This thought made me very happy.

Oh corse, we have to keep God in it, other wise that won't stay true. One reason we have pretty much gotten on a Bible reading plan together for the rest of our lives. We are also talking about picking our favorite books of the Bible and studying them together (or whatever book God lays on our hearts to read). Since we have been marriage we have picked a few to read out loud together and talk about what we read -- which has been great! I am excited to get to our next one soon in our Bible reading plan and read it out loud together.

Anyway, I just got all happy about our love growing and changing. Maturing, maybe, or starting to. lol. I am not saying we are all the sudden the perfect loving couple! Just excited to see our relationship growing as we learn more about each other and start to figure out married life together.

There is so much stuff that goes into married life, some more exciting than others. Doing the dishes and taking out the trash and who gets the first shower are not all that exciting, but figuring them out makes life go smoother together ;)

Loving words

2010-10-07T15:17:00.003-05:00

So, over the summer I learned a little bit about what is called "Spiritual abuse". By saying I learned about it, I am not saying I all the sudden experienced it for the first time, but rather that I got it defined to me and learned what some past wrongs dealt to me really were.

Ephesians 4:15 (NASB)
but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,

One of the best ways I heard it described was speaking the truth without love. Though, lying to someone about God can be spiritual abuse too.

Example

• Making someone feel they have to read their Bible daily or they will go to hell if they so much as miss one day!

This is not only a lie, but gives someone the wrong image of God and makes it harder for that person to ever get close to God for real -- like in a relationship and not just a religious ritual. Yes, it is good to read your Bible, very good; and daily would be great! However, you are not going to hell if you don't read it daily.

There are other ways than that, but that is just one example.

Anyway, after seeing how other people doing this to me in different ways, and how it hurt me and my walk with God, I got to wondering if I have spiritually abused others myself. Thus, hindering their getting closer to God.

I am ashamed to say I think I might have. I know I have told people the truth without love to try to manipulate them into be good.

Since learning about spiritual abuse this summer, I have been watching out for myself doing it and praying that I will be more loving to those I serve. One of the two children's ministries I help with in-particular is a lot harder for me to be loving at.

At lot of the kids from the Tuesday night ministry come from broken and abusive homes. Some of the parents bring them to learn about God, others could care less and are more into their drugs than their children's well being. It is sad, and hurts the kids a lot. Thus, they don't behave well. Too often, I get impatient with them, and I am not loving towards them. I may tell them the truth, what they are doing and how they are acting is wrong, but I am harsh and unloving in how I do it. I am telling them this to get them to be good for my own comfort, not their benefit.

I think, or hope rather, that I have gotten better since seeing this. I hope I am more loving to them, and I have been praying to have more of a heart for them. Yet, it can be so hard!

If I can write an unkind letter,
speak an unkind word,
think an unkind thought without grief and shame,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
Amy Carmichael

Help me be loving!

Charming people

2010-09-23T16:19:00.002-05:00

Proverbs 31:30 (NASB)
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

I think as a girl growing up in the church, I maybe heard this verse more than the guys. Not that guys were never told this, but girls did studies on this chapter frequently in some of the churches my family went to as I was growing up. Weather it was to make you see how you did not measure up, what you should be aiming for, or to make you not look to flashy, there were lost of reasons.

This verse, I always thought meant things like:

• Beauty will fade, but your relationship with God will not (or should not)

• Watch out for flirts, they are shallow and not to be trusted!

Now, not that those things are not true, they are; but I saw this verse from a new light recently.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is in vain"

I believe that verse was saying more than beauty will fade and flirts are not great, I think it was also saying: people with charming personalities, that draw you in, and seem like such great people, but are devoid of character, are deceptive.

Let me explain.

See, I have met several people like this over the past few years. They can be:

• Talkative, or at least easy to talk to

• Friendly

• Pull you into conversations

• Want to be close friends quickly

• Maybe they are shy but alluring

• Seemingly sweet and caring

• Sometimes they are willing to share deeper conversations quickly

• They know what to say and how to work people

At first, you are like, man, I just made a new great friend! I would love to get closer to them!

Then, you start to, or you do, and BOOM! It hits you!!

This person is a lier, gossip, backstabber, vengeful, man-stealer, drama queen, or a cheat!

Maybe, you are crushed. Maybe you started to see it coming and pulled away. If you are like me, you are baffled, angry, hurt, and learn what not to say around them quick!

Yet, "they seemed so charming?" I might ponder. In reality, they have charming personalities, but they are devoid of honourable character, or they at the least have a major character flaw.

All the sudden, after thinking through several people like this, I got this verse in Proverbs from a new light. Their charm deceived me into thinking they were nice people, but really they were not.

So, what am I going to do with this new knowledge? Try to choose my closer friends better. I can't avoid or shun this kind of people (that is unrealistic and unkind of me)! However, I can choose not to be beast friends with them and look for beast friends that do have honourable character, and striving always to be more honourable.

Character

I ran into some people that did not know what I meant when I used this word this way recently. So, if you are one of them, I am here to help you out! (thanks to dictionary.com)

char·ac·ter

moral or ethical quality: a man of fine, honorable character.

qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: It takes character to face up to a bully.

reputation: a stain on one's character.

good repute.

Married life thus far... 17 days in

2010-09-21T14:35:00.002-05:00

The Wedding day

It was beautiful and went so much smoother and better than I expected! Not even kidding. The wedding party did so well, the sound went well, the decorating was amazing! It was so great! Plus, I got to leave with this really great guy ;)

We had a mini rave at our wedding reception. hehe. We whipped out glow sticks, dance music, and a strobe light. I think that is when we had the most people dancing the whole time there was dancing!

I wonder if we have any glow sticks left...

Honeymoon

First things first: It was amazing!!!

Second: It was too short!

Some things we did:

• Explore the street our hotel was on in Woodland Hills CA (suburb of LA)

• Hang out in our room

• Go to disney land (our expensive treat!)

• Go to Universal city

• Go to Hollywood

-walk by the Chinese theater and down the walk of fame

• Go to the beach

- We built a sand submarine :D

Anyway, we so could have stayed another week or two, heck, even a month would have been cool with us!

Home-ish/homeless

After our honeymoon, we stayed at my grandparent's house while they were gone (where we still are. They are back now and we are looking for a place of our own. We may have found one and are excited, but nervous. It will be nice to really have our own place though! Even if it is a room room apartment that it itty.

Sad, but true

Second week or marriage, and we both got a cold last week. My husband (that still is odd to say or type) is closer to better than I am, but he was the one that got it first.

In general

Marriage is still kind of scary and new in every way, but great too. I will feel more married once we have our own place I think. Though, it is for sure setting in that this whole wedding day and honeymoon were not just a nice dream. ;)

Coming fast!!

2010-08-31T17:27:00.002-05:00

So, it is four days from our wedding.

That is insane!!

My parents and youngest sister are here. My other sisters get here tomorrow and all of the groomsmen. Some family comes in Thursday and one friend (praying part of that group is the grooms parents! They were to leave today, but health issues prevented that :s). More family and Friends come in on Friday. Then the wedding is Saturday!

This is going to be one crazy week!!!

Lol, I can't wait for it to be over. Ha!

Then time for an awesome vacation for a week with my soon to be, will be then, husband (that sounds odd).

12 days!!!!

2010-08-23T11:44:00.002-05:00

I am so sick of wedding planning...

We finished our premarital and the wedding is still on. That is a good sign, right? ;)

There are still a million details (it feels like) to get done!

I need to make a priorities list of what has to get done for the wedding to happen and what would be nice to get done if I still have time (yeah, right!).

Sick + wedding planning = I got nothing done last week

2010-08-16T12:48:00.002-05:00

So, I have not felt great for about a week now (well, almost a year really, but even more so this last week). Keester even brought up taking me to the ER again last night :/

Luckily, I am feeling way better than yesterday, but I still don't feel good.

I should maybe feel bad about getting nothing done wedding wise this last week (19 days out today!), but I know there was nothing I could do. I was sick and I needed rest. I went to work Wednesday and had to spend the next two days in bed recovering!!

Note to self: if still feeling sick Tuesday, call in sick and don't go to work Wednesday. Your health is not worth the money you would make anyway.

I think I might retype my wedding to-do list to help myself get some stuff done this week, or at least delegate a little if I am still feeling sick.

Readerless

2010-08-16T12:45:00.001-05:00

So, I think I don't have readers anymore... Pretty sure people just think I post on my facebook notes and have forgotten I have this. How should I feel about that? Hmm...

Wedding day nightmares

2010-08-12T15:57:00.003-05:00

List of nightmares I have had so far other than the car oil one already bogged about:

• My dress tearing

• My dress not fitting

• The wedding party deciding they did not want to be our wedding party anymore (the day of)

• People taking over my wedding and not letting me decide things for it

• Me having to be my own sound person & the pastor getting mad at me for not doing a good job at it

23 more days and that day will be here... Well, no matter how badly everything else goes, I get to leave the church with one great guy!

God's faithfulness of late

2010-08-10T10:50:00.002-05:00

So, God has really shown me a lot of His faithfulness of late, even just in this past week!

Things not this week:

• I know a few posts ago I said I lost my job at the craft store. Well, she is giving me employing discount on all the stuff I buy for my wedding there. She so did not have to do that, but it will for sure help me out money wise with some of the things I still need to get!

• My uncle is paying for our wedding photographer as a wedding gift. Otherwise we might not have one due to money being so tight.

• A fellow employing where I still work, is doing what she can to make sure I am the first to go if/when layoffs start there. So far, God has been faithful and answered my prayers to find favor with my boss and keep that job as long as I need it.

Things this past week:

• There was an issue with my business that also involved the employing that is rather nasty to me and causing me trouble at work. God gave me an out for sure there! She was being really nasty to me when I was in doing my inventory and picking up my pay check. My boss still had to write my check and went to wait on a customer, and she tore into me even worse. I prayed about how to get out of there, and immediately it popped into my head to run an errand and come back for my check. God got me out of there before I started to cry or be nasty to her back!

• Part of the same story, that woman made a business decision for me without asking and I lost a lot of money in my jewelry business. I lost what I sometimes make in a month, in one day because of her. However, God saw it coming, and July turned out to be a good month for the jewelry selling business. Granted I barely broke even, but God kept me from going under!

• So, I feared I was going to go $100 negative on my bills the beginning of this month. I was a day late on paying my car insurance do to that fear! Yet, once I paid them all, I had $19 left in my checking account. I honestly have no idea how I had that much money to pay for all of that!! It had to be God. Either that or my math skills have gone out the window! ;)

God is good. Even when I don't see His provision coming, He has it coming!

30 Days!!

2010-08-05T12:14:00.001-05:00

I am getting Married in 30 days.

Does that seem crazy to anyone else, or is it just me?

Strength

2010-08-03T04:36:00.002-05:00

"He gives you strength for today"

And trust me, I needed it today...

Nightmare

2010-07-25T06:31:00.002-05:00

So, it is official, I just had my first wedding day nightmare. My dress got car oil on it, I had forgotten all sorts of things at home, among a few other things! I guess they were already happening in real life, it was time for them to happen in my dreams to (at least in real life my dress does not have car oil stains!).

Losing (take #2)

2010-06-18T02:48:00.002-05:00

It seems like something that has been key over the past 5 or 6 years of my life is losing, letting go, my plans getting smashed, jobs getting lost, friends getting lost, places out of reach, plans never to be made. Whether through death, moving, getting fired, or other misfortunes, I feel like I have had a lot ripped out of my hands. Some, I can look back on and say, "That was God, saving me from something I had no idea was bad!" Others, I am still left in wonder.

Maybe a lot of those times I seemed to roll with the punches, and just get back up ready to fight, but I am not certain it was too often much more than that key word "seemed". I put too much hope in my plans, my jobs, my abilities, even when I so heavily doubt and fear they will come through. They still seem so much easier and more tangible to trust. "Oh, I will be okay, I have this money put away there for when things go bad..." How about when money is hard for a long season, and not just one pay period? When the savings are running out, and I really don't know where the money is going to come from? What about when my health is not what I want it to be, and I can't work enough to save back up what I have had to take out of savings? What about when jobs are hard to find, and I live in a town where I am not liked enough to get jobs easily (and being liked/known is key to getting a job)? What then?

Well, I am left where I am now. Stresses and afraid. Wishing I knew how to trust God better and that I knew He would come through for me. My good little christian girl mask that says I have it all together won't get me through this one.

And so, comes into play the new(ish) name of the blog, "Learning to wait". I am learning to wait on God and trust in Him. I am not perfect yet (and trust me, He has a long way to go with me before I am!).

Sigh... Lesson for the summer, trusting God in a new way with my money and providing for me.

Something tells me that might not be the only thing I have to learn this summer.

Losing

2010-06-18T02:15:00.003-05:00

So, I only ever been fired/let go/quit giving hours ever twice. Both time in the town I live in now (small town in NE). Before I go into detail on either, let me tell you about jobs in small towns (if not true for all, it sure is here!):

1) Drop names when applying. It takes being known and knowing to get or keep a job here. Rather than having a good resumé or mad skills.

2) If a boss docks your hours, cuts your pay, without telling you why, start looking for a new job.

3) Did I mention you need to have connections?

4) If it is you or their friend (even a loose friend that they are not close to but already like a bit), they will pick their friend to get the job, even if you are better at it.

5) Small towns keep clicks into adulthood with a passion.

The jobs I lost

The first job I lost, went very badly. That would be the one where my boss cut my hours, docked my pay, lied to me about why, promised me more hours after a certain amount of time, and never gave me those hours. All the while saying she was hard on money (so hard on money she got a new cash register, and hired new people). I think the only thing she was hard on was hard set on getting rid of me and lying to me. I finally quit.

This job I lost earlier today (or rather yesterday), I saw it coming to an extent. I knew the business was not doing well, I could see that. I had just hoped I would not lose it so soon. She let me go (in an honest way), but told me if things pick back up, I will have a job there again. Also, I am not the only one she let go, and if things don't get better, sounds like I won't be the last either.

Now what?

So, I now work one day a week (at my other job), and make jewelry to sell. The jewelry better pick up, because I am starting to go negative on my bills, much less this wedding I am paying for that will be here in about two and a half months. If not for my grandparents help, I would only be able to pay for half of my bills. I am not sure where the money is coming from for the rest of this wedding...

I have met the parents... odd

2010-06-13T22:31:00.002-05:00

So, it is really odd/nerve racking to meet someone and be like, "Hi! I am that girl marrying your son."

When we were on our way to the airport Friday the 4th, I was panicking in the car. Then, as we were in the air, I was nervous. Then we started to land, panicking again hard core. Then, we landed and got to walk to meet his dad, how nervous I was probably showed. I was amazed I could even shake his hand!

Then it was the hour long car ride before meeting his mom. More freaking out. His mom was very tired and watching a movie waiting up for us. Due to tiredness, we were not up a lot longer, just long enough for them to find our packing odd (same bag).

Yeah, I was still super nervous and did not sleep amazing due to that.

Week

So, my nervousness somewhat wore off over the week, not fully though. All went well though, and Keester tells me they like me. Only time we had any issues was when his mom stressed over the rehearsal dinner, the head count about gave her a heart attack I think.

They treated us to dinner several times and showed us around a few places. His dad liked to give us tours of the back-roads, and his mom kept telling him he was a tour-guide to hick vile.

His parents are really nice.

Keester makes a wee more sense now. I can see different ways he is like one parent or the other. What was really odd was seeing his dad do things to his mom that Keester does to me that I always found odd. It was like, oh, that is why he does that! Like when I ask Keester if he will rub my shoulders or back when they are hurting and Keester says, "Maybe." I don't know what that means, but normally he will do it shortly after saying, "Maybe."

So, Gloria asked Ken if he would take us somewhere. Ken Shrugs. Gloria goes on as if Ken had said yes, and we left a few moments later. The same odd thing Keester always does to me, but wordless.

Anyway, it still just seems odd. Like something in a movie, going to meet the parents. Like it should not have been real. What is really odd is thinking about seeing in-laws, the rest of my life.

Keester already went through meeting my family a while ago, so he just gets to sit back and laugh at me now. Telling me I will be fine and his parents like me.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

We all had a good laugh when Keester and I made them watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Keester told them it was their future family. Ken said, "That is your future in-laws. They are not my future in-laws."

Last comment (for now)

Their neighbors have chickens and roosters. They liked to wake me at 5am. I wanted to kill them, seriously!

Old photo

2010-05-30T01:23:00.001-05:00

I am putting up an engagement photo and taking this down:

Joanie's wedding

2010-05-30T01:12:00.001-05:00

Well, it is over. Joanie and her man are off and married. They are on their honeymoon.

Honestly, I am not quite certain it has fully hit me yet. Even standing up as one of the wedding party, just felt dream like and not real. It was so odd.

Most of the people left today, and it has gotten a little quieter around here. Pry the oddest part is not running around trying to get a million things done!

So, sad day (week really), I threw my back out Tuesday, that was fun to try to deal with this week. The rehearsal was the worst! Two hours of mostly standing was horrible! I felt bad and very unhelpful a lot of this week. Julie and I still got the cake done though (with some help from Jo and mom).

Joanie looked so Beautiful! Dom looked like the happiest man alive and he got to finally see her in her amazing dress! They are so happy together. They have waited quite a while for this.

I got to dance with Keester for a wee bit at the reception (as much as my back would let me). :D

In a week or two it will really hit me that Joanie has moved out... and that she is really married... odd.

So it begins...

2010-05-25T08:01:00.003-05:00

My little sister, Joanie's, wedding is Friday. Thus, the house is a mixture of stress, excitement, and people arriving. Today is a big airport run to get most of the wedding party. Also, Julie and I start on the cake today (we are not going to the airport).

I have altered my bridesmaid dress and helped with Jennifer's.

There are many trips to different stores. I believe I will be sent to several before we start on the cake.

One bridal shower was last night. That, very thankfully, went smoothly. People had a good time and ate yummy food.

The rest of this week is going to be crazy and go by super fast!

The killing of Gator

2010-05-13T13:10:00.000-05:00

My latest video

Come back

2010-05-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

Video #4 of Ophillia

Gator's speech

2010-05-11T17:28:00.000-05:00

Video #3 that I made

Ophillia and the Burning of the CD

2010-05-11T17:27:00.000-05:00

video I made #2

Ophillia's Debut!

2010-05-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

Wedding stuff

2010-04-23T12:41:00.002-05:00

I just looked through a bunch of people's wedding photos on facebook (stalker-ish, I know), to see if I can get some more ideas. I have never been the girl that was planning her wedding out since middle school. I was always the one saying I would never get married and had no desire to.

Now I get to play catch up. Figure out what I like and pull it together by September. In some ways that is a really scary thought. I mean, I have a few things I know I want, and an even greater list of what I don't want, but I am still going to have a lot to figure out: decorating, order of things, music... etc.

Also, people telling me I am just copying Joanie (she is getting married next month), has me both annoyed and paranoid. Now I am trying to figure out as much as I can to do different than her to shut people up. Maybe I just need to tell them to shut up... lol. Really, Joanie and I have different enough taste that our weddings will be different, but I am sick of peoples comments just the same.

Facebook was running out of room again: Quotes

2010-04-23T12:01:00.004-05:00

Boys are like drugs, just say no
- Jennifer

Please bite responsibly - Scotty

Clowns would make me bark...if I were a dog
- Marie

umm... excuse me, ladies, I can only allow one person in the dressing room at a time
-Josh at Pacsun

I am happy, why don't you guys get happy
-Martha

Well, you're not at the Honour Academy, do whatever you want - Joanie

Stop it! People are going to think we are a disfunctional family. So, shut up before I beat you - Joanie

I always thought I could play a good gay guy
- Zane

Look away while I try to spell - Lindsay

Believe it or not, I am not Mary Poppins
- Zane-la

Hey, I like your herse. It's hott - Jennifer

So, you are sleeping with a stranger? - Scotty

If you are going to put your foot on my head, move it a little to your left - Zea

I'm sorry Keester is so fat - Jenn

oh, that's jenn... biting my neck -keester

You know you are having some sort of inappropriate dream, when you wake up making out with your pillow - known, but not spoken online

If slithering were a good thing, I'd do it - Luke

Oh, I will! and maybe if I'm lucky, my nails won't pop off - Joanie

Stop applying your psych class to my life! - Keester

You know you've ben on a fast too long when everythng at a potluck looks good - Joanie

It doesn't bother me that i make you cry - Grandma

"are you sitting on my bacon?" -Keester
"...i was thawing it" -Joanie

Ow... the dog is trying to take my pants off -Keester

Don't take this the wrong way, but i am taking your dumbness and reversing it - Seth

Oh, your not that naked - Casey (saying to Keester)

Your on a couch that shouldn't be in the hall, with a girl that should not be on the floor... -Chris Barns

I didn't get a pat on the butt, not even an awkward caress. I blame Kimberly for stealing my man!
- Keester

You know it's good when i can't even resist myself - Joanie

Scotty, why are you trying unsnap Kiel's shirt?
-Joanie

Op, that would be the guys that live with us
- Joanie

My boyfriend or my fiancée? Because that's two different things - Joanie

You, shut up. I love you - Keester

why are you trying to give me kids, keester? - Joanie

Because Keester took my child! - Martha

I can see the headlines now, "Nobel prize winner abandons children!" - Joanie

Books are like crack, you have to sniff 'em - Marie (cousin)

There is a fine line between being a stalker and being attentive - John (uncle)

Did i just bite you on the face? - Jennifer

I looked inside this hat and found life - Joanie

Julie, where is your hat? - mom
Is it in the ocean!? - Joanie

I dont like it when my friends make me man shop on facebk! - Jennifer

What is inside that black box they are sending children into? - Joanie

I am not the one who gropes alligators! -m

That guys head just popped like a zit! - Joanie

Bitterness

2010-03-29T03:16:00.002-05:00

Something that has been heavy on my heart of late is bitterness. This is something I have seen destroy people, and have often feared it making its way into my own life. Grudges and unforgiveness are so harmful; and very often far more harmful to the person holding them.

Martha, Joanie, Keester and I watched The Prestige the other night. It is, honestly, overwhelming how well that movie shows just haw dark revenge and bitterness can make a person (though, I am certain, it has made people even darker than that)! These men destroyed each others lives. One even lost his life (kind of several times...).

I have seen people get so bitter at one or two people, they end up shutting everyone out and ruining every relationship they are in.

How I fear ever becoming like that! I must fight to forgive those that hurt me. Even those that are hurting me.

Ephesians 4:26

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

If someone has hurt me or upset me, that is not a sin. It is an emotion. It is what I do with that emotion. Do I let it fester in my heart? Do I plan out all the angry things I am going to say to them? Do I do the angry things I planned? If yes: that is sin and feeding bitterness.

If I try to fix anything that I can, pray and ask for help forgiving (forgivness can take time), fight thoughts of revenge, I am handling it in a right way. If I am sad they hurt me and wanting them to live better (out of love), I am handling it the right way.

God, help me. You know the names of those that have hurt me. Help me to be forgiving and loving. Show me when I am feeding bitterness and give me the discipline to change my thoughts or actions. Keep me from letting bitterness have a place in my life. Give me wisdom as I face these people and keep me from hurting them.

Engaged!!!!!!

2010-03-14T17:47:00.002-05:00

So, this week I was sick, and Keester said to me that I needed to get better and the weather needed to get better. (this is an important note)

Then last night after I got off work, I suggested we go out to eat. He was already planning on asking about dinner, and said it sounded like a good idea. So, we went to Our Place (confusing name, I know).

There was a movie to be at Jon's later, but that we had to drop off our to go boxes first.

So, we are driving, I think to my house, and Keester passes by the turn.

I am confused, "where are we going?"

He just tells me there is a slight detour and I think he is headed to his house to get something.

We passed it by too!

Then I ask again and he won't tell me. I look over to see if her needs gas. He had a full tank.
At this point I started to wonder what was going on, and if he was maybe going to ask me, but I was not certain.

We drive out to the soccer field were we used to go hang out before we were dating, but liked each other, to fly my kite (and hit on each other hard core with none of our friends around :P ).

He asks me if I am going to get out of the car. At this point, I am freaking out a wee bit and pretty sure I know what is going on.

We walked a little ways from his car and he came behind me and put his arms around me directing me to look at the place in the sky where stars were the brightest. We stood there a moment, looking up at the sky. Then he said, "So, your remember what I said earlier this week?"

"Maybe..."

"You're better, and the weather is nice, and I have something in my pocket."

At this point I know full well what is going on. So, before he could even get the ring out of his pocket, I turned around and kissed him.

Then he said (once I let him), "I have not even asked you yet."

He went down on on knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes! :D

Then he took me back over by his car so I could see the ring in his head lights. My jaw dropped (so i am told) and i took it from him to look at it before he could put it on my finger. I just stared at it for a moment before asking him if he was going to put it on me and giving it back to him. It is so beautiful!! plus it fits, which he is way happy about. :D

We then stayed and smiled at each other and looked up at the stars for a while before heading off to join our friends later than planned ;)

My Beautiful Ring :D

eeeEEEEE!!!! :D

2010-03-14T04:05:00.001-05:00

I can't sleep.

I am way too excited.

I am engaged!!!!!!!!

I put up pic of ring and story later xD

Dancing lessons

2010-02-21T14:11:00.002-06:00

So, Keester and I have started to take some dancing lessons together. I am really excited about them. It should be really fun.

We will only be able to go to three of the six. The first two weeks we missed and he has surgery on his ears the first week of March (so, we will miss that week).

I was super nervous at first, not fully certain what to expect, but by then end of the night I was having a great time. Keester and I were getting good at dancing together :) I did not like it when she made us switch partners as much, though. Some of the women I was fine dancing with, others we just never clicked and got it right together. The other guy, however, was horrible to dance with! Seriously! I felt like he was going to run over me and he never got any of my hints that he was taking too big of steps!

I liked dancing with Keester the best. :) It was hard to get into the groove of following at times, but he was better at showing me what to prepare for (like when he was going to spin me). Seeing how I get to go backwards most of the time, I really have to trust him to lead me and not run me into any walls or other couples. Something further lessons will help me with and time spent dancing together :D

So, funny story: my shoe started to fall off, and, without thinking it through at all, I just kicked it off to the side and almost hit this women. Yes, everyone laughed at me and I made the whole class get off rhythm and have to stop. Keester told me I was very red.

"Great" men

2010-02-12T14:34:00.005-06:00

"The great lesson of this book [Judges], then, is that we must take God seriously about the enemy. Jesus Christ has come to save us from our sins -- not to allow us to settle down to live all our lives with them. He has come to drive them out from us and to separate us from them. If we do not take God seriously about these things that we call trivial we will experience an inevitable sequence, taking us step by step away from the intervening grace of God, onward to a course that brings us at last to moral collapse. I think this is the answer to those sudden moral collapses of men and women who have apparently been outstanding leaders for God, who present, on the outside at least, a fair and happy prospect that looks as though their spiritual life is strong. Then suddenly we read of some terrible moral collapse. What has happened? There has been an inward deterioration, exactly along the pattern of the book of Judges."

by Ray C. Stedman

This is a quote from my Bible class this week. It really stood out to me and made me think.

I think this is very true, but I hate to hold myself up to it's light.

I have seen "great" men fall and wondered why. Then I read this and it makes sense. Those men (or women), were never really great. Either that, or the things they continued to not give up to God ruined their great chances.

How many times do I not give up what I should be to God? Think my sins so small in comparison to others and justify them? Will they one day be my undoing?

I need to pray those dangerous prayer and live in true surrender. Every sin matters. We are called to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (matthew 5:48); not called to be better than that other guy.

Youtube

2010-01-30T18:05:00.001-06:00

I have a Youtube channel!!!

My videos

College plan failed

2010-01-14T18:35:00.002-06:00

College does not like to work out as planned for me (lol). So, I am sort of kind of allergic to Cosmetology school. I had horrible head aches the days a went (like excedrin was hardly touching my pain). I am not sure if it was from the bright lights hurting my eyes (they don't take in the light right), or the chemicals. My hands starting to break out was from the Chemicals.

At any rate, I decided it was not worth it.

I dropped this morning. I am not going to college at all this semester and will be looking into finding a college cheeper than CSU for now (though I would still love to go to CSU one day!)

College in 2010

2009-12-15T23:15:00.003-06:00

So, I am going back to college in January. Still just the community college I graduated from in May. I am going back for cosmetology. It should take me about a year and a half to get done. That way, I can make more money cutting hair to go on and pay for the rest of college.

Oh, these late nights...

2009-11-11T04:25:00.003-06:00

Do you ever wish, you could go back in time and talk to yourself? Tell yourself, "It's okay, this won't last" or "I am proud of how you handled that, you were courageous"? Then there is always the other kind of statements you could tell yourself: "You will regret doing that, trust me" or "You know that guys is a jerk, why do you care what he thinks about you?"

I was just thinking about that.

Doesn't it suck that only hindsight is 20/20?

There are things I look back on and tell myself, "You know what, I know that person made you feel like trash, but you did nothing wrong, and this whole mess is really their fault."

Then other times I look back, and decide I don't want to think about that or say anything to myself about it; because I know full well that mess is all mine and I have no one else to blame.

A lot of times we kind find things or causes for our sin, but no matter who hurt you, your hurting someone else is not justified. (I am not talking about when you hurt someone, had no idea you did, and never meant to)

When I look back (I sound so old :P ), I often look at friendships: the ones that have lasted, the ones that quietly ended, and the ones that ripped my heart out when they abruptly stopped (or when i finally realized they had ended). Maybe I am guilty of overanalyzing things, but I sometimes just let my mind wonder over what all I did right or wrong with any of those. Honestly, when a friendship ends, my first fears/thoughts go something like this: "What did I do to mess this up?" or "Why was I not good enough for them?" and "If I had known that would upset her/him I never would have done that" and on and on my mind goes.

I am learning something, slowly. It's not all about me.

Some of you are now rejoicing far too soon over that last statement, let me explain:

Yes, there are times where I have screwed up friendships, but often, when someone finds something wrong with you, it is really their problem and not yours. No, I am not excusing any sin I have in my life right now. I am saying, sometimes people don't like you because they have a problem (I am not saying this to be stuck up about myself, but as a general statement). As in, the reason that person was just mean to you, might have a whole lot more to do with them, than you.

Mind you, I am learning this slowly. I tend to freak out when people are mad at me and tear myself down. As independent as I like to think I am, I fear upsetting others, way too much (at the HA, we called that fear of man, or FOM, vs. fear of God). I lose sleep when I think people are mad at me. Seriously. I am losing sleep now over someone I know is mad at me! (and I feel retarded for it)

I don't like drama with friends or losing friends. It sucks. Yet, I look back on middle schooler me, and I tell her, "I know it hurt, losing that friend, but in the long run, my dear, you are better with friends that care enough about you to stick with you. Stop stressing about the one that wants nothing to do with you, and make sure to be a better friend than she was to you, to the friends you still have. Don't let her think you are not worth being friends with. Try to trust me, when I tell you, 'That's a lie' ".

(Where is the 30-year-old me to tell me that now? To tell me "I know it hurts, I know you want to stay friends with them, but it will get better".)

With that said, we all screw up, and sometimes the friends you lose come back later. I am the only one that decides I am too bitter to ever take them back. Though, some never should be given the place in my heart they once had, I might find a new place for them, if they prove they can have it. I have lost friends and gotten them back later, things were never like the first time we were friends, but we were friends again.

Though I find forgiveness hard at times, I am also finding, it is not impossible.

The third trip of my life to the ER. Thank you swine flu.

2009-11-09T17:20:00.003-06:00

So, the whole time I have had swine flu I have had trouble breathing, or I would get into coughing fits and not be able to catch my breath. Keester would breathe with me (when he was there) and try to give me a rhythm to follow when it got really bad.

Last night, he was doing this, and it was not helping. In fact, I was doing pretty bad, and he kept wanting to take me to the ER and I was insisting on not going (he told me I was too stubborn for my own good).

At one point he was so freaked out he told me, "I am watching you slip away from me, right before my eyes, and you won't let me doing anything about it..." From that, I think you can understand my poor boyfriend was pretty freaked out.

He latter told me I was going to the ER and he would carry me if he had to. Finally, I gave in and let him take me to the ER. As it turns out, he did have to carry me because I could not breathe well enough to walk.

They took ex-rays of my lungs, listened to them, gave me more drugs, told me I am still contagious, told me some people fight swine flu for a month (it's been too weeks so far for me), and made me wear a mask. I feel like I should have a sign around my neck that says unclean or something... lol.

At one point, I was seeing stars and with every beat of my heart my vision went black. that was kind of scary... and I was alone in a hospital room at that point while Keester was checking me in and a nurse was off doing something! yeah, scary.

Anyway, the drugs work great and hopefully I will not have this lovely flu for a month.

If you think of it, maybe send my boyfriend some flowers or something, he has had a ruff couple of weeks ;)

Random thoughts of one driven mad by swine flu

2009-11-07T16:05:00.002-06:00

So, like I said in one of my last posts, this whole being in bed for two weeks things has given me a lot of time to think. Sometimes too much time to think...

Oh, so I have this video I have been wanting to put up of my oldest and youngest sisters. It is pretty funny. Jennifer is pretty much a dork in it. He whole life really she has been a dork when a camera is involved (she says so herself!) and it is pretty entertaining. I will have to go to my boyfriend's house because he has better internet speed and it would take like 50 hours to upload it from here (no joke). I might see if I can't do that today though (if his roomies don't kick me and my plague out of their house that is...)

Swine flu sucks!!!

I have never had any sickness that was so bad for my lungs before! Seriously.

But, okay, so I was reading in Mere Christianity for book club this week, and the chapter we are going over for this week are: Sexual morality, Christian marriage, Forgiveness, and The great sin. All of which were really good, but I am just going to talk about the last two :D

Forgiveness

So, this chapter was either one of the best I have every read on forgiveness, or it came at just the right time. Long story short and without details (because I don't want to hurt anyone else involved). A friend hurt me recently and forgiving them has been interesting. Partly because I feel robbed of their friendship and wish we could still be friends, yet I am hurting and mad. So, I have all these mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Anyway, in the chapter C.S. Lewis talks about, and better defines, loving your neighbor as yourself. I have always had a hard time understanding this. Like what does that practically mean? Well, he talked about what loving yourself looks like and how that can look when you do it for someone else.

some of the very wise things he said that I can remember without going back and reading it are:

you are not always happy with yourself; therefore, you do not always have to be happy with others. You wish yourself well, even after you have done something stupid and wrong; you can wish those that have hurt you well (forgiveness) even if you know they are stupid and wrong. You can be saddened by your own actions and even be grieved by them; you can be hurt and saddened by others actions and wish them to do better.

Bitterness and hatred just want the other person to suffer and pay.

Forgiveness and love, does not deny that wrong has happened, but it wishes the person to do better--be better. Love is sad when it loses a friend, or that friend does something horrible, but does not wish the friend harm in return for the harm they dealt it.

Anyway, I don't say it near as well as C.S. Lewis, but it was really good to read in light of what I am going through. I sometimes fear that because I am still hurting, or even upset about how someone has hurt me, that I have no forgiven them. However, if I am wishing them well and hoping for things to get better, maybe I am not bitter and I am forgiving them, the wound they gave me just still hurts.

The great sin (as he calls it):Pride

So, I don't like to think of myself as prideful. I would much rather think of myself as insecure (which I can be). When really, they are both a part of the same disease, self centeredness. Anyway, I have been noticing I can be pretty prideful. I hate to admit it (especially since that puts me in the category of those stupid prideful people that i just want to punch in the face every time they open their proud mouth!!), but I am.

One thing he said, was that you will hate the pride in others more, the more you have. I think that might explain why I don't get along with a few people I know that I like to call arrogant jerks...

<_<

>_>

Yeah, I don't have much more to say about this... Other than, I guess that is something I need to be working on.

Other randomness

I finally ate a meal outside of my house last night. It was pretty exciting. Martha, Joanie, and I went to Perkins. I had to try really hard not to cough so people would not freak out that I was there, but we did not get kicked out, so I think I did fine. :D

Thats all the sicky has for now. If you made it all the way through this blog post, I commend you.

(what I am really doing with swine flu...)

2009-11-06T21:50:00.001-06:00

watching videos on youtube.

like these:

Ophelia

I have decided I love her videos

Swine flu

2009-11-06T14:41:00.003-06:00

So, I got the dreaded swine flu. It pretty much sucks. The cough is horrible, and I am going to be missing two weeks of work over it. I am getting better, I don't have a fever anymore, however, I am still sleeping a ton and super tired. If I try to do too much I get into a coughing fit. It's sad.

Also, we totally had to cancel our trip to see my cousin this weekend. I was really looking forward to seeing long lost cousin Joe, so it was pretty sad...

I have been finding ways to entertain myself, most of the time. I am getting pretty restless, but don't have the energy to do much about it yet. I have been on facebook maybe too much (it is getting super boring). I have been reading a lot. I think I finished three or four books I was in the middle of. Now I get to pick which book to work on next (I was in the middle of like 16 books earlier this fall, now I am only in the middle of 10, and 2 are for a book club or I am reading it with Keester).

Speaking of Keester, he has been taking great care of me. He has been over almost every day since I got swine flu and made sure I had everything I need and force me to rest like I should be. What a great boyfriend I have... I think he might be a keeper ;)

Martha has also not been afraid to hang out with the sicky and has been some of my company as well :D

Anyway, that has been my life the past week and a half (two weeks this Monday). Not very exciting, but lots of time to read and think.

Horrible but true

2009-11-04T15:33:00.001-06:00

I have a hard time even understanding how someone could do this...

"What are you doing here so early?"

2009-10-20T13:24:00.002-05:00

So, my day had this great start to it yesterday...

See, my alarm did not go off, and I jumped awake at (what I thought to be) 9:37am. I had to be to work by 9:45am. I jumped out of bed, grabbed the clothes I had worn the day before, grab a few things and shoved them in my purse, grabbed my contact case, retainer case, a comb and ran out the door to my car. Joanie was very confused. I had no lunch. I rush to work, get there just on time! (or so I think)

I got to work getting the money in the door and doing things to open the craft store, when my boss comes in, laughs and asks, "What are you doing here so early?"

Fear suddenly struck me. I opened up my broken cell phone so I could see the time, and saw that I was indeed, an hour early for work. I laughed at myself, told my boss what had happened, we both had a good laugh about it, and I went back home to take a shower and come back on time... the real on time.

Keester got a good laugh out of the whole thing too when I told him what had happened.

Broken Veronica

2009-10-19T20:26:00.002-05:00

So, Martha and I were climbing in a tree to take pictures together and then get pictures of Keester and I in the same Tree. In so doing, my cell phone (that was in my back pocket) got broken. The outside screen that used to be my watch and tell me who was calling is now worthless, and the sound is not quite right anymore...

Jennifer said I could use her old one until March when I get my free upgrade. :)

new jobs

2009-10-14T19:45:00.002-05:00

So, you heard briefly in my last post that I have new jobs and no longer work at a coffee shop.

I am not going into the story of how I lost/quit my other job (coffee shop).

I started making jewelry and selling it this summer because I was jobless. Now I have three different places I am selling it: the book store in town, my grandpa's pharmacy, and the men's clothing store I work at (they have some stuff for women).

In August I started working at a craft store and then just a week or two later in September, I started at the men's clothing store. Let me tell you, it is not the easiest learning two new jobs at once! I get confused a lot, but I am getting less confused, which is good.

Both are going well, despite silly mishaps on my part...

It is nice to be working again!

(even if I did leave work early sick today)

Violating plastic

2009-10-01T00:40:00.002-05:00

So, I work at a clothing store now (and a craft store and no longer a coffee shop). And changing the male manikins is really awkward! I feel like I am sinning every time I have to change one of them. Today my boss had me redo the windows. So, I had to change like 10. SO AWKWARD!

Anyway, that's my story.

Lessons in dating...

2009-09-23T02:13:00.000-05:00

So, Keester is the first boyfriend I have ever had, and I am his first girlfriend. Thus, we have both gotten to learn a lot this year...

One funny thing I run into at different times is hearing normal dating advice and it totally not applying to us. Like Different random advice to never do this or that or it will drive your man insane type advice. Then I think to myself, "crap, I have been doing that!" So I ask Keester, "Does it bug you when I do such and such?"

Normally I will get a, "No... " Then he looks at me funny, "Why?"

Ok, seriously, I never imagined being treated as good as Keester treats me by any guy. I could have just thrown up, and he still wants to be hanging out with me! Seriously! This happened this summer (thank you root canal). I threw up three times in a row and he stuck around and watched a movie with me. To top it off, the guys were having a movie night, and Keester stayed with his puking girlfriend instead!

Also, he will willing to just sit and hold me as I cry. I know one time when I was not doing so well, he asked, "Do you need to talk, me to just hold you for a while, me to hold you as you cry? What? I am here to help you. I want to help you." Wow, are you for real? Like really?

I think one big thing in a relationship is honesty (we both feel that way). Being open is huge. Even if it is going to hurt. One thing I have always liked with Keester is how honest he is with me. Even if he knows I will be mad with his answer, he tells me the truth.

Being willing to work through things. Disagreements and miss-understandings happen, it's how you deal with them when they do. My temper has made that hard a couple times, I will confess. You are much more likely to meet my temper than Keester's, and he has met it once or twice (guilty smile). We have had a couple late night talks sorting things out and trying to fix them. But the thing is, we were willing to work it out in the end.

Honestly, at times the only reason they were worked out was due to Keester's patients and stubbornness. Not willing to call it a night and part ways until we had talked it all through.

One thing we have decided to do (after watching three couples split in one week :s not fun), is set aside one night a week that is ours. One night of the week, where we plan nothing else, and just spend it with each other: reading, going on walks, cooking, playing games, watching a movie... Yes, we see each other every day, pretty much, but if we are going to be in this for the long hall, we need to make each other and our relationship a priority. That means not hanging out just at Bible studies, or with our group of friends.

Speaking of priorities, we also need to keep God #1. Keester needs to love and live for God, more than he loves or lives for me; and I need to love and live for God, more than I love or live for Keester. It is easy to lose track of God being first (sadly, or maybe that is just me). One thing that is really great and I love about our relationship is that we both know that and are striving to have God be #1. I know there have been times we have both reminded each other about our Bible reading and needing to pray more.

One thing Keester and I are doing together is reading through the Bible together. We are planning to do so together again next year too.

Another thing I am really seeing is how much we need to pray for each other and for God's guidance. I know I should pray for Keester more than I do (I should pray more in general :s ). We both need God in our individual lives, but also so much as a couple too. We won't make it without Him.

New name, check

2009-09-02T01:58:00.003-05:00

I got a new name and look. We will have to see if I can stand the template because I am liking some of the ways I could mess with the old one. At the same time, I can do some pretty fun things with the new one.

New name

2009-09-02T00:23:00.002-05:00

So, I decided to google search my blog name Jack out of the Box. Turns out, that is a design companies name. Thus, my blog will be getting a new name, and maybe a new look soon.

The words:

Jack out of the Box

and

"My half crazy friend, when asked what I should name my blog said to name it jack out of the box. At first I found it odd, but then it started to grow on me. I must be half crazy too because now I like it."

will no longer be anywhere but in this post.

Time for some change!

New profile pic

2009-08-31T20:16:00.003-05:00

Look, I changed my profile picture. First time in I don't know how long, maybe ever.

Old Profile picture

Pics from the summer 2009

2009-08-27T17:08:00.005-05:00

I am staring into his eyeball

Julie playing soft ball

Kendra and Kimber

She really likes Keester and is not happy when I don't bring him to my parent's with me

Joanie and Keester fighting

Keester and I with our red, white, and blue hair

Jenn, Sarah and Shari on the 4th

Keester and I on the way to TX

Aunt Kathy, Gregory, and Luke.

Neither of the boys wanted in my photo

Joe in his car on the way to Andrea's wedding

Andrea that did not get married,

But was old roomy at TM

Jennifer in her camping mode

Keester and Julie playing video games

Keester and me

Keester and Trosen

Keester and me at Nate's wedding

To see more pictures, if you are my friend on facebook, I have a ton on there. If you are not my friend on facebook, I guess too bad for you, this is all you get.

Summer was here, it went, now it's gone

2009-08-27T13:04:00.006-05:00

SO.... I am not good at blogging anymore. In the case of this summer, i have been out doing and not blogging, or just haven't felt like blogging and been trying to keep up in my journal. Thus, now I get to try and write one blog post about my summer.

Friends
This has not been an exciting summer where I live. Normally a group of friends is hanging out all the time in the summer. Soccer, movies, BBQs, Dinners together, frisbee... Honestly, this summer was kind of dead. Joe moved away, Jenn did not come back but a few weekends (it was good to see her when she was here), Tyler was gone, and the others just did not hang out as much... I mean at times we did. Pry one of the times we had the biggest group was to watch fiddler on the roof on my roof. The guys would play video games at times. A few of the girls i can count on one hand the number of times I saw them this summer... that was pretty sad.

Don't get me wrong, we definitely did hang out at times and have a good time, but not often as a BIG group. Little groups here and there. There were also weekly things like Bible study and going to Perkins that did not die. Which those times were good.

We only played soccer once. all summer!! so not cool.

Road trips/weekend trips
Keester and I went on a lot of weekend trips or road trips this summer. We went to Joe, Trosen, and Andrea's graduation in Texas (with: Jon, Luke, Joe j., and Seth); we went to my parents three or four times in Colorado; we went to Texas to take Joanie to TM, see my family, hang out with Joe, and go to Andrea's wedding; we went to Kansas City for my core get together, that only Andrea S. came to(different one than the other Andrea mentioned twice); We almost went camping with Jennifer (instead we went by the camp grounds and spent an evening in the ER, everything is fine now); and we went to Nate's wedding.
Somehow, we did all that without going broke and relatively cheaply; but several of these had been planned for a while and money was set aside for them.

The trips themselves were awesome. However, I am not going to go into too much detail on them. Seeing all the people we got to see was great. Time hanging out with random friends random places was awesome. One thing that for sure stand out to me is all the time Keester and I got to spend together on those trips, it was really good. Also, the long car rides gave us a lot of time to talk about a ton of stuff. We had a lot of really good conversations about a million different things. Sometimes talking for hours on end in the car about whatever we came upon to talk about. I look back on those drives about as fondly as I do the time at our destination.

Keester
So, Keester and I pretty much spent as much time as we could together. Trips or hanging out during the week. Though at the same time we don't want to be that couple that gets together and drops off the face of the planet. The type that gets together and quits going to church, Bible study, movies with a big group of friends, etc... yet, things still change when you become a couple, and you will spend more time with them than most other people. That's kind of just how it works. Still, never hanging out with your other friends is not cool either.

Alaska
Speaking of Keester, I missed him a ton while my family was in Alaska. It was the longest we had been apart since we have been together.

My mom's family decided to go on an Alaskan cruise, and pay for mine to go. Mine stayed a few days extra to see dad's step brother that lives there and his two kids.

it was my first, and maybe my last, cruise ever. It was beautiful and unreal. Like I was in a movie or something. It was good to have the whole family hanging out together for 7 days. It had been the longest since I had seen uncle John. The rest i had seen at least once this year before then.

We went on hikes, ate great food, went fishing, saw way too many stores that were all the same, went some cool touristy places, saw some we decided were too touristy to feel okay going to. It was great.

There wer a couple days i was sea sick though. that was not so great. and it took forever to get my land legs back!

the salads on the cruise.... YUM.

It was also really good to meet my uncle Carl and his two kids, KC and Devin. We got to spend a couple days hanging out with them and getting to know them better. I remember always wanting to meet those cousins, and now we have. :)

[I kind of feel like i am writing a list rather than a post... oh well, that is what i get for not really blogging all summer]

I think i shall put up a few pics in another post and call this good for my summer overview.

links

2009-07-06T12:02:00.002-05:00

So, I went through my links this morning and get rid of a ton that no longer work or the person no longer blogs. So, like if they have not posted since 2007 they get counted as no longer blogging. I did not check all of my links though... that last two sections I did not check.

[Going to lunch with Keester!! yeah!!!]

a story I forgot to add to last post but it is way funny

2009-06-23T13:54:00.004-05:00

so.... back in January I did this whole fake relationship on facebook as a joke and before the guy, Greg, accepted my relationship request, but it showed that i was in a relationship both Joe and my mom thought it was with Keester.

Joe said on my facebook, "if this is for real, tell him it is about effing time! If not, you guys have too much time on your hands"

I was so lost, knowing Keester and Joe are close, I ask Keester about it. He said, "I am on the phone with him now..." He explained Joe thought it was us. I was a wee lost.

Then my mom calls and asks about it. She did not believe me and had to ask Joanie if Keester and I liked each other. At this point Joanie could honestly say no.

Keester is the one on the right, but left of me

We can be a wee odd

My last year at WNCC

2009-06-23T12:09:00.002-05:00

So.... I looked through my blog and found little about my life these past two semesters. Thus, I am going to write a long post about them now:

Fall Semester 2008:

Being sick
Well, first off I got sick about two three weeks into the semester and never got better. Seriously, it sucked! The doctors did all sorts of tests, put me on pills, took enough of my blood to fill a small dog, and found out nothing. Other than I had an infection in my stomach... no kidding, thanks, that's why it hurt for months on end, good to know...

gr...

Road trip
So, even though I was sick I ended up going on a road trip to TX.

See, Joanie, Keester, and I were planning on driving down to TX. We would meet Dom, ditch Joanie, and Keester and I would see some people I knew at TM and then go to Longview where he went to school and hang out with the Joe and Luke, other people at their college, and Andy (whom lived not far from them). At least that was the plan before I got super sick. Then I almost did not go at all. Joanie still wanting very much to see her boyfriend, just bought a plane ticket not wanting to drive down with some guy she had never met before (Keester) alone. Thus creating a hard choice for me later.

I decided I was well enough to go after Joanie flew out, but was unsure of riding down alone with Keester. I talked to my parents for advice on if I should ride down alone with a guy all the way to TX. My dad called my pastor and talked to his wife seeing how Keester once lived with them. Then after getting a background check on Keester, my dad said he felt fine with it.

So, I drove down with him. Figuring, my dad felt fine with it, and neither of us liked each other other than as friends, what could go wrong (unbeknownst to me, he did like me then and was very afraid I would not go on the trip with him but really wanted me to).

The trip was great! But not in ways I had hoped or expected. Honestly, looking back, it was perfect simply because it was not what I wanted. (I love how God works)

-So many little things seemed to go wrong and Keester never got mad at me like I expected.

-I got to meet a bunch of new people and just jump in and hang out and feel like one of the group.

-Though I was sick, and that held me back some, I still had a great time.

-Honestly, confession, How laid back Keester was the whole trip was really good for me and I enjoyed hanging out with him a lot (we were getting to be very good friends at this point and even more over the fall).

-it was also good to see my old friends that lived there too.

Random gift
So, Keester was gone for Halloween, to visit a friend of our's, Jenn. While he is gone I get several texts (which we texted each other, that is normal). Anyway, one he sent was to tell me he got me something and it would make me smile (or laugh). I was like, what the heck?! Why did he get me something and what could it be? I was so lost...

He brought me back this thing that you turn and look for your symptoms to see what disease you might have. It is called: A Hypochondriac's key to worst-case scenarios. It was pretty funny.

Just plain sad...
So, funny story. I worked at this coffee shop in town right. Also needed to understand this story, last summer I would often join Joe, Luke, and Keester for lunch on their lunch breaks. Jenn joined too at times. Keester was sad when I quit feeling it would be awkward just eating lunch with him alone once Joe and Luke left for TX (but then I went to TX alone with him... go figure).

After we had gone to TX, Keester came in to where I work and ask me what I was doing for lunch later. I seriously had something and could not join him. He asked me about lunch several times that week, each time I really did have something and could not join. Though after the TX trip i thought about joining him for lunch again, seeing how I went to TX with him alone, but would get shy last minute and not do it. That's all I figured he was asking -- me to join him for lunch as a friend again. I was wrong. He was trying to ask me out and I just did not get it. oops... poor guy.

>>>>>Those are all the highlights from last fall I shall share<<<<<

Christmas break

Family
Was not too crazy. Joanie was not with us which was odd. She was with Dom's family. Anissa joined us at our grandparent's. I was really glad she did. It was good hanging out with her. We had not had Christmas at the grandparent's for a long time. So that was nice.

My parent's had met Keester while setting up to futon I bought in my room. So, my mom asked if he was in NE for Christmas. he was at his parent's. I found it odd she asked. Turns out her and dad liked him when they met him and wanted us together.

Joanie
So, my little sister Joanie moved in and now lives with me at the grandparent's. We had not lived in the same place for over three years. It has been good.

Keester
Confession, I started fighting liking Keester near the end of break. I did not want to like anyone or maybe ever again, and would not let myself like him or really admit I was starting to like him. However, I was flirting with him and feeling like whore for doing so.

Plague
I started to really get better over Christmas break. Though was still pretty tried and easy to get sick because I was still weak.

Spring Semester/Last semester 2009

Number of classes and work
I had 16 credit hours and a job. I have already blogged that this was bad and will never do it again. Enough said.

Stress
Several times I was afraid I would not graduate and this one nazi teacher would fail me out of his class preventing me from graduating. Somehow I shockingly pulled off a B in his class. I am still not sure how that happened; but I am sure as heck not complaining about it!

I graduated!! yay!!!

Keester
So, my whole plan of not liking Keester did not go so well.

He told me Tuesday January 27th that he liked me. I panicked. I cried. I told him I did not like him back.

Bible study was interesting that night.

So, I spent the week panicking. I was certain if I liked him back our friendship would end and he would hate me forever. I kept telling myself I was not dumb enough to like him and that I liked him as a friend too much to lose him.

I did not tell anyone until Thursday, then I talked to Joanie about it. She had been telling me I had two options in life: Keester or Poblo, so she was happy.

Friday, I decided I did like him. It was already so obvious Martha asked me if we liked each other.

I was still super afraid to tell him though. Dom told me I better. So, Sunday, I worked up the nerve and told him (Feb 1st). Just before we went off to the supper bowl party at the upper room. What a crazy day!

He reassured me he was happy and that I did not have to be afraid to tell him I liked him back.

So, from there we have gotten closer and been figuring things out. It has been crazy in a million different ways... but really good too. :)

Not so funny story

2009-06-01T12:58:00.003-05:00

Recently, my car's front breaks started making these nasty scraping sounds. I talk to a few people, they say get new break pads. I drive to my parent's (with Keester) because it would save money to have my dad do it (even with paying for the gas round trip). We get into the job, and find out the break squealy tabs have broken off on the right side (the tab that makes noise when it is about time to change your break pads because they about to die and you about to have no breaks). Dad says "Man! good thing you came. soon it would have been scraping your break router and you would have had not breaks!" they were that bad.

Then we get to working on the right side, bad news, that break pad was gone and part of my router too, it had been scraped away. In other words, that scraping sound i heard was metal on metal. not good. luckily, we were able to find a new router for about $30. Thus making it so Keester and i could get back to NE and he could go to work as planned today.

So, moral of the story: the last owner of this car was dumb about cars. Turns out, the little squealy tabs were broken off by him, before I got the car! That means, he should have changed the breaks, but did not. Good thing I did not have to stop in a hurry before my dad fixed my car because it would not have happened.

Seeing how previous owner no good with cars, we checked the back breaks while we were at it. They are good.

sad, sad blog

2009-06-01T12:23:00.002-05:00

i just looked, and i have hardly posted this year... i blame several things.
I shall start the list now:

-for one thing, this semester was crazy hard school wise. I started with 16 credit hours and a job. i am never going to do that again. granted, one credit hour ended in March, that still left me with 15 and a job... never again. I have decided that that is not ideal for the dyslexic.

-the second thing i blame is this guy called Keester (not real name, but hey). Turns out we both like each other and are moving towards dating. That kind of sucks time away pretty fast I am finding out :)

There you have it, why i have hardly blogged at all this year.

DONE!!!

2009-05-17T00:21:00.000-05:00

I have graduated from the first two years off college!!! yeah!!!! YEAH!!!!

some more quotes

2009-05-05T17:10:00.001-05:00

We have an invitation to spend the day with the God of the universe and the Savior of the world! -Marie Hipple

Christianity without action is nothing more than a philosophy - Jeff Reetz

The idea that we need to show our lives in such a way to please others or gain their approval/acceptance, only produces more layers on our hearts -- layers that need to be shed to truly know Jesus’ love
-Callie Hermann

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die - Sam

Love is the oxygen of our souls - Papa Luche

Crazy gooood...

2009-04-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

So, I was just laying in bed thinking because I did not feel like moving yet. Going from crazy day dreams that were too vivid and made me cry, to thinking about the fact that i am reading through the Bible in a year with two other people…
Then i got to thinking, neither of the two other people I am reading it through with have read the Bible all the way through before (one has not read it much at all), and I started us off in Genesis to read it cover to cover. A logical way to read a book really, but general that is frowned on when starting someone off reading the Bible (oops). See, normally people like to start out “new readers” in The New Testament. Where they will get “fed” the most and learn the most. Also seemingly logical if you think about it.

Yet, I did not do this, and from what i have heard from these two reading with me, they are still learning. Even though it feels like half of what we have read is “he begot”, “the son of”, “such and such number from such tribe”, God is using that. God can use a list of names to bring people closer to Him! How flippin’ awesome is that?

The one that lives closer to me and I see more often of the two of these people, i can tell is growing from this (the other I just have to go by her word… which I am thinking is trustworthy...).

Anyway, I was just thinking about how amazing God is that He can do that and use His word in our lives no mater what part it is or where we are at.

Year off

2009-04-17T21:52:00.001-05:00

This is to let anyone know that still reads this that I will be taking a year off from College. I do not have the money that it would be wise for me to go on this fall, so I will work full time for a year and then go back.

It should be good. I really need a break.

Over my head?

2009-02-18T14:51:00.000-06:00

So... my blog is in for a vow of silence or something. Well, not really, but I am super busy and blogging is not the top thing on my list right now.

16 credit hours + job+ trying to have a life outside that (aka, hanging out with friends on the weekends)= very busy + not a lot of sleep.

hmm... let’s think about this:
sleep or blog...
sleep or blog...
So far, sleep is winning.

and I am still falling asleep just about every time I sit down to do homework. Yeah, not much blogging will happen this semester.

No Idea if I am going to another college this fall (I graduate from the community college in May :D yay!!). I might take a year off and save up and then go to a four year school. We’ll see, I have to decide before March 1st (and have all the paper work done by then if I am going).

I am kind of sick of college right now and want a year off... but who knows yet what this fall brings. I am not too worried about it either way.

confession

2008-12-27T02:19:00.003-06:00

So, once, like a year ago, me and several friends were watching a movie. I had had like some extremely sucky weeks (like I cannot stress how sucky), but none of my friends there knew this. Anyway, a whole bunch of things were going wrong, then there was something in the movie that was the last straw for me. I balled, and my poor friends did not really get out of me what all was wrong. I told them very little, and the least of what was making me cry too.

Sometimes, now, I look back at that moment and laugh... my poor friends.

[I guess Sarah and Martha know why now]

My little god in a box

2008-11-24T13:45:00.000-06:00

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9

I don’t understand how God really works. It scares me.

Things I don’t understand frustrate me. Like yesterday, I was trying to work on practicing guitar (because I have been trying to learn to play the guitar for years on end) and I got frustrated and wanted to quit again. I decided to play a little longer, and I do want to learn, but I keep running in to things I just don’t get. Then I put the guitar down again for months on end, until I decided that I have to learn again. (like maybe to impress some guy... yeah, maybe that has been the reason I have picked it back up again over the years [I am ashamed to say how many years I have been trying to learn... so I won’t])

Anyway, I think I can be like this a lot with God, in like a million different ways. I run into something I don’t get or just have these totally warped unbiblical ideas about God that I have come to believe. Them I pull away. Yeah, maybe I still go to church, and read my Bible, but my heart is not in it. It is motions, check marks on my little panic list of “things to do to be the perfect girl”.

How much do I cripple myself?

Here lately I have notice some very wrong ideas about God that have crept their way in to how I view Him. I think of God as manipulative. When I ask Him for help, I doubt He will give it. After all, I have to learn my lesson good and well through this pain, and if I don’t learn it the first time, there will be no end to it! Like I expect God to watch me suffer until I do what He wants me to -- like get over some guy I can’t seem to, be nicer to some other annoying one, show love to that girl I think hates me. And until I do these things, He is going to punish me. One way or another, He will get me to do what He wants.

I am not sure where I get that from free will and how God let’s us choice to hate Him or not believe in Him if we want. He does not force us to love Him. He did not require that all man kind love Him before He would die for them:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
That just screams manipulation to me. No. It shouldn’t! It doesn’t. And yet here I am stuck in this rut of lies. Thinking God will never give me what I want or need until I have suffered enough or become some super Christian that isn’t real anyway. I have caught myself thinking, “oh no, don’t pray about that... what good would that do you anyway?” Like when I am hurting and wanting God’s help or just longing to be heard, I think He won’t do it.

I don’t view God as loving or full of grace.

Yet one read through the gospels and I can see He clearly is.
I just stupidly fear I am the exception. When this is not true.

my poor dying blog

2008-11-08T09:34:00.002-06:00

So, last month was the first month I have ever not blogged from the beginning of my time as a blogger...

I am using my unknown plague as an excuse. Though if you have seen my facebook... you know this is not that great of an excuse. It just has lots some importance to me to keep up with my blog and its three of four readers that still remain, maybe, more faithful than i am anymore to my blog.

The other days i was thinking about posting something... it might be put up yet. Nothing too big, just some thoughts.

I guess the main thing that has been going on is I have been sick for two months now today... that's not been so fun. The doctors still don't know what the heck is wrong with me. oh well...

Marriage

2008-09-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, I heard several women complaining about their husbands. No, this is not the first time i have heard a group of women get together to gripe about their husbands and tell all the single women not to hurry to get married (or this last time just me), but it just got me thinking...

Why is it that so many of these women have gotten so bitter --even proud of their bitterness-- towards their husbands?

One of the women saw a happy older couple and said there was no way they had been married long, they had to be newly weds to still be happy.

Why?

Why can’t a couple that has been married for years on end, still be happy?

My grandparents have been married 50. They still love each other.

And don’t give me crap about I am not married so I have no idea what it is like!
Yeah, I am not married, and often fear ever getting married.

But no way does every couple that ever gets married have to end up going badly -- staying together or not.

I have heard women almost bragging at how mad they get at their husbands and the silent treatment they give him for it and how that makes them even madder.

How does someone “in love” enough to get married get to this?

Where is the commitment?

The servant hood?

Yeah, everyone has bad days... but some of the things I have heard of couples doing to each other is so full of bitterness there is no way it could just be from “having a bad day” or “a little argument”.

Heathe Stoner (despite the name he is one of the wisest men I know) once said you don’t have to fight. Like married couples don’t have to fight. He has been married for about ten years and has three kids. He still says that. He never said they don’t disagree, but they don’t have to get all stormed up and yell at each other or not talk to each other before they just sort it out.

They are still happy together.

They are not newly weds.

Commitment, servant hood, true love (not just emotion), humility, are what is going to make a good marriage. If those are not there, you’ll be just like all the women i have heard gripe over the years about who they chose to marry.

Sick little Xandra

2008-08-23T12:36:00.001-05:00

So, I am driving along on the way to my aunt and uncle’s to see my cousin play and hang out with a friend on the way back, and my check engine light comes on. I pull over at a subway and check what I know how to check on my car (oil, see if the belt is still on, already knew it was not over heating, it did seem to not have it normal power -- but it was really windy, so who knows). It seemed fine. I called my dad, he said drive on. So I got some lunch and then drove on.

When I got to my Aunt and uncle’s, I first went to target and got a new chair, I also got a bed (seeing as I don’t own one). This did not quite add up to $200 dollars. The bed looks pretty cool, folds into a couch but is cooler looking than your normal futon thing.

Then I headed to their house. This is when I started to be able to tell something was truly wrong with my car. It started to not really want to pick up speed as quick as normal, and lurching a little. This is where I started to think, “Crap, something really is wrong with my car!”

This morning I took it to a shop my uncle has taken his cars to before (he gave me a ride back to their house where I am now). We dropped it off and I got to wait for their call. Several hours later, it is going to be about $450 or more to fix my car… not too happy, but if I had driven my car long with what is wrong with it (catalectic converter [I think that is how you spell that]) apparently my car would have more fixing coming to it than I would want to pay for.

So, sad day, Jacki is pretty much broke until she gets her next pay check (unless I break out the college money… not so wise I think)

4 years

2008-07-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

I have been blogging on here for four years now... crazy!

My sad blog

2008-07-28T14:18:00.001-05:00

So... I hardly write on this thing anymore. Not sure what happened. Maybe I got a life and don't have time to write as much now.

Blah

2008-06-30T10:29:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday I had a bad day -- like on the verge of tears most of the day -- and I wrote this big long blog post, that I took off this morning (however the title may have struck an interest to some, “Boys...” which really it had little to do with. Only the first paragraph said anything about guys and that paragraph had nothing to do with why I was having a bad day).

I think a lot of what I needed was sleep (last night I got that); but I was not just having a hard time because of a lack of sleep. The lack of sleep just made everything seem ten times worse than it was, or me less ready to fight it and go on with life maybe (but I don’t want to just try to brush off the fact that there are things going on in my heart and mind that can suck a lot at times. However, maybe that is normal).

Anyway, there are several bigger things on my mind really but only one (maybe two) do I really feel like writing about online is wise.

My relationship with God:

I seem to be in a “dry season”... or what ever you want to call it. I think i might call it feeling alone or abandoned -- yet not completely.

It’s like when I read my Bible, expecting (or maybe not) to get something out of it, I normally get nothing right now. In some ways, it is like I did not read it at all. I mean, normally I am in a better mood having read my Bible for a while and I can tell when I have not had a quiet time that day, but I’m not learning a lot from the Bible right now (other than maybe that i don’t know it as well as I thought). It could be I am not paying enough attention, but even when I try hard to pay attention as I read, it is not a lot better.

Maybe I am too dependent on feeling close to God, instead of just believing He is there.

A parent has to take their fingers out of their child's hands at some point for them to ever learn how to really walk or run. That first moment, where their fingers are gone, could feel really scary and lonely. Then, on their own (with their parents right behind them where they can’t see without turning and falling down) they have to try out what they have been learning, or plop themselves on the ground and start crying. I seem to be the later.

Perhaps, what seems like silence from God, is Him waiting to see if I can trust Him and remember on my own, what He has already taught me. Remember: that His grace is sufficient, no one can take His sheep out of His hand, He loved me enough to die for me... Before I ever even thought to look His way.

Prayer

My prayer life is greatly lacking right now. I am sure that is not helping anything.

What the heck do I want to do with my life?:

What a fun question.

[side note: what I just did there, was something I was totally taught in english class never to do. Act like the header is part of the sentience instead of restating the header.... It felt great to do]

anyway, *cough* cough* moving on...

There is a difference between what I want to do, and what I feel like I should do in some ways. Some of the things I would love to do, would seem foolish to some; and thus, I am afraid to do them.

Like how I have been thinking about taking a year off from college after I get my AA. Save up and travel (some have complained that the two don’t go together). Whether or not I take a year off, I am most likely going to Belgium again for a month right after I get my AA (so during next summer). That will have some deciding factor in my life.

See, the first few days I was there, this thought hit me as we were driving around (not the first day, because I was too jet lagged to have anything going through my head). I thought “I could live here.” Then I wondered, is that just me thinking it would be cool, or what. Then the missionaries were trying to recruit me (along with others) and I wondered, “is this God, or them just needing help” because they do need help.

I don’t think I would live there forever if I go, but a year or so sounds great. Maybe right after college or something.

College... gr.

Do I major in something alone that I may never get far in, creative writing; or pull two majors and have a chance at using what I go to college for, creative writing and psychology. Both does sound inviting, but way longer in college than I know if I could handle.

I love writing (even though I seem to be having trouble with it right now), but I think being a counselor (I have kind of toyed around with the idea of school counselor) would be cool too.

Maybe doing both is perfectly doable.

As for the other things on my mind, that most likely did most of making my day bad yesterday, I guess I just get to wait them out a while longer.